JUST DO IT

2008-07-30T18:10:00.003+08:00

migrated to somewhere

else.

2008-07-29T18:54:00.002+08:00

so damn tired. suffering from sleep deprivation. (what my body perceives as) super not enough sleep has made my brain complete mush. can't think straight. kept walking into things today. found it awfully hard to balance while cycling to sch and back home. almost fell off while trying to signal to a car that i was turning. i realise that when i'm tired i start to talk a lot and i say a lot of weird things i normally wouldn't say. a part of me just wants to yell at myself "hello will you just shut up." but that could also be the result of overstimulation of the brain. pam said that when the brain's overstimulated you start to talk a lot .

ARGH I. am so tired :( and i can't sleep cos i'm shit worried about everything :(

i snapped at a couple of people i wouldn't normally snap at. i need the world to stop for a while so i can breathe. my mind's exhausted and my body is seriously rotting. i feel like a giant pile of rubbish. i practically don't feel hungry the whole day but end up stuffing my face cos i'm so tired and i feel like i need a sugar boost to keep me alive but that never works and instead my blood sugar levels spike momentarily then i'm back in slug mode.

ARGH I AM SO ANNOYED AT MYSELF. why am i so stupid and lousy and slow.

2008-07-27T22:47:00.002+08:00

i hate how i lose control when i'm standing in the kitchen, staring at cereal, bread and fruits. they sound like harmless foods but anything in large amounts is really bad. esp high carb, high sugar items. it's horrible cos i totally lose control of myself and after i've done all the damage i feel so horrible. (save for those few seconds when i get a seratonin rush) neh and the aftermath of all that.. is just ew. one horrible vicious cycle. it's so stupid cos it's happened so many times and results are really veh disgusting. so i must really really really do something about it before it's too late.

mrah. this usually happens when i'm emotionally unstable. taking my stress out on food. bad for the body. bad for my self esteem. bad for me overall.

hahah ok i prob sound like a nut cos i really don't hear of people with such experiences.. other than family members :D (giant grin at pence) wonder if it's genetic. ahhahaa.

dinner out with the family today was great (: hope the happy feeling will be enough to sustain me through the week. the week ahead is going to be hectic. full of late nights, early mornings, and lots of determination needed! i'm bringing ear plugs to sch just in case some places get too noisy (cough cough). haha i'm really not kidding. yay and i'm going to stock my bag with loadsa green tea bags :D how exciting! i will enjoy the challenge that awaits this week! it doesn't have to be stressful.. so i have to find a way to make it fun and exciting and enjoyable :D

if studying is analogous to training, then .. it really CAN be fun right? besides, it's these weeks where i can really enjoy myself. when it gets too close to the exams i get really panicky and my mind goes haywire (not saying that it doesn't already do so).

2008-07-23T18:44:00.002+08:00

short term and long term goals seem so impossible to achieve at the moment. esp not at the rate i'm going.

4am mornings don't do much for my overall productivity cos i end up napping after i get home from school.

chemistry and GP suddenly seem so dull and annoying. grades are really a turn off.

juggling normal school with revision is such a PAIN. ARGH. and i keep putting off my runs. which greatly affects my mood. in a bad way.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.

alisa was right about studying being a lot like training for tri. in tri you have 3 disciplines, much like the 4 subjs i'm grappling with now. i just need to condition myself. endurance, speed. hai.. differences are that i don't get to feel brain muscles growing, or post-studying endorphins, or feel good about myself after burning kcals cos studying's such a sedentary thing.

attempting to follow my plans is depressing cos i'm so friggin tired after sch i hardly have the energy to complete what i set out to do. sadly, food doesn't do much to my energy or motivation levels.

postcard that mummy gave me that's still sitting on my table (since BT1.. lol) "POSITIVE THINKING IS HALF THE WORK".

I WANT MY STUDY HOURS BACK SO I CAN SPENd tHE WHOLE DAY AT THE LiBRARY OR SOMETHING and not have to worry about homework or going to school. am becoming awfully unfit. feel my heart beating so fast when cycling to and from sch. and the runs seem more tiring. really took being fit for granted. must rmb to maintain healthy exercise frequency.

penny if you are reading this i miss you! feel like i haven't talked to you in ages....... :(

2008-07-15T22:41:00.002+08:00

mild insomnia seems to be taking a toll on me. feel so darn tired and there is much work to be done.

staying in school till late to mug was nice. though not as productive as i'd liked (this will change, mark my words), but it was pleasant. especially when everyone had left and the cool night breeze was blowing in my face. just me and nuclear physics having our one-on-one time. that's really what i like about studying.... space to yourself. quiet. seclusion. i don't know what other words i could use to describe it. but somehow, being left to listen to dozens of thoughts sparking off in my head gives me some sort of adrenaline rush. then again overload of this is bad cos i end up locking my thoughts up inside and not feeling like interacting with other people. didn't know what to say when the juniors asked me why i am "always mugging at the class bench when the rest of the class is at the canteen". haha. (eh but i really beg to differ... it's not alwayssss. esp so more recently when i started slacking.)

i want to do well so badly. cos i'm sick.. of being. some lousy failure. sick of falling time after time after time. something nobody would understand, not in a million years. i guess that's always been my source of motivation- wanting to prove myself so badly. sadly this motivation disappears when i lose my desire to prove myself and instead decide to wallow in self-pity and submit to my inadequacy.

chem and gp results (and phys mcq test . argh) were really disappointing (this is an understatement). it's like looking at all my flaws, laid out and raw, glaring at me and screaming "guess what? you are more stupid than you think you are". i hate how that feels. who would enjoy it anyway? it's results like those that make me feel like other improvements were just lucky and like i haven't made any improvement at all.

sigh.

gr anyway, last night i had some really weird dream that i pulled out all my hair cos i was so stressed and i ended up having this large bald spot on my head.

gah. i know they're not happy with those crappy results but hearing them pick out my flaws really just makes me feel a hell of a lot worse. (i don't doubt their good intentions)

!!!!! for now, i'll just have to find solace in studying (and studying..and studying..and studying..and studying...)

green tea addiction

2008-07-11T20:05:00.003+08:00

am positively addicted to green tea.

seem to have developed a cyclical hunger pattern. i'm uber hungry from around 2-4pm, or when i'm at HOME. ok maybe it's not really hungry but that's my vulnerable period and environment. haha. sucks. need to snap out of it!

have to start intensive mugging very soon. think i'm finally recovering from burn out. (omg thank goodness.) now fear actually has an effect on me. so hurray.

haha GP "I love knowledge" WS reminds me of sec 4 english lessons. we were doing science and tech (i really should've paid more attn in class cos a lot of what we're doing in GP now overlaps with what we did then. argh), and claratan made us act out stuff. rmbr how one group had to act out the HWANG WOO SUK thing. ahhah i vaguely rmbr gnia and qing acting it out. ahha. was quite hilarious.

anyway, have developed a strong dislike for the army. dare not cite reasons here lest i be arrested for posting abrasive remarks that threaten national peace and stability. haha oh no.

OKAY BREAK OVER. back to jeffery wigand..and the rest of the people on the list.

2008-07-10T17:51:00.003+08:00

growing fat like a pig. been having trouble sleeping 'specially with the noisy younger sister talking so loudly on the phone next door :(

rode over roadkill TWICE today. once in the morning on the way to school and once in the evening on the way home from school. didn't really notice what it was i went over in the morning, just remember seeing blood and like. squished up innards. couldn't really tell what animal it was cos i was going downhill and it was quite dark. almost let out a squeal, at the risk of being shot down by the ghurkas who were on duty. yah but really very gross. was quite afraid it would get CAUGHT ON MY WHEEL THEN the wheel would jam and i'd be stranded and late for school cos "roadkill got stuck on my bike wheel". ew. or maybe the force exerted by my rolling wheel on the thing would set the carcass in motion and send it flying up, possibly hitting me. i have a vivid imagination. mm then on my way home, going up the SAME hill.. i ran over a DEAD BIRD. looked like it died a painful death cos its skeleton was sliced into two. innards oozing out and all. gross. i wonder if that was what i rode over in the morning.

:( i hope i will not be lazy and in 30mins i will actually be out on the roads running. serious calorie surplus to clear.

2008-07-07T21:12:00.002+08:00

i swear my stomach's got some major prob with eating food i'm not used to. my mouth and stomach have been feeling so awful after lunch. omg i think i'll stick to just bringing packed lunch wherever i go next time.

i don't get how people can wake up every morning and go about routine things as if it's normal. how can it be normal. it is not normal esp when you don't know what you're doing it for. as much as i am trying to convince myself that
a) i am not a psycho who belongs in IMH because i'm way too prone to depression
b) there IS a higher purpose
c) i am not a failure and
d) i will one day be a happy person
this shit is so not working... so much for happiness immune system. mine's way screwed up i think. prob got some sort of cancer that's eaten up all my happy cells.

if i don't snap out of this i am digging my own grave. but wth i don't know how to. what if this is how it's supposed to be. we're all supposedly living our pre-destined lives. what if this is mine- the one where i'm never happy with myself, always one step too slow, never to succeed in anything i set out to do.

sometimes i think i'm bordering way too close on the line of obsessive compulsive. or maybe i'm conjuring it all up so that i finally have an excuse to give myself for all my shortcomings. cos if i've got a screw loose it's excusable to fail.

like argh. i am really. very. very. tired. of this :(

miss the family :"( sentosa reminded me of all the happy happy carefree innocent childhood days.

2008-07-05T22:40:00.002+08:00

thoughts for the day:

1. scholarship fair was inspiring, i am so going to start pasting brochures up in my room to motivate me to study.

2. i can't decide if i am interested cos i have yet to see the dirty aspects and therefore should not consider such choices.

3. my face is having another allergic reaction :(

4. pammie is no longer a wall away :( :( :(

5. i just stuffed my face with crap this aft this is so bad.

6. there is much work to be done

7. interview on tues i haven't started prepping!

8. my grades really suck

9. rectus femoris is starting to hurt again i hope it's just my imagination

10. i miss family time :( a lot.

11. i need to start sleeping early damnit.

2008-07-04T23:08:00.002+08:00

thank goodness the headaches stopped today. wonder if it was the green tea... was taking large amts of green tea during exam period. then i stopped. then the monstrous headaches came and almost killed me. but daddy thinks it's the stress. which could be true as well cos green tea isn't supp to give withdrawal symptoms now is it.

hur anyway i slept at 1am this morning doing econs tut (cos yestd i slept the aft away trying to ease the headache) yarh and i felt so sleepy in school :(

been feeling so lethargic. could be the change of routine. i think i've lost a considerable amt of muscle since biking up the hills to and back from school seem so much more challenging now :( hohoho.

was staring at chinese fireball when i came home from school today. he looked so sad and dusty and rusty. was reminded of how much fun i used to have with it on sundays.

roar much work to be done.

pammie's going back to aust tmr :"( wish i could've spent more time with her. in btwn my studying and her hot dates we didn't get to spend a lot of quality "even sibling" bonding time.. BOOHOO. will def miss her noise and cheeriness... PAM thanks for helping me with my work! :) nowadays whenever i get home the house is empty :( cept for daddy who's doing work. even prissy gets home late.. and terry's like never around. gah i'm rambling it's late. PENCE IF U'RE READING THIS I MISS YOU!

crap i really should be sleeping now..

2008-07-04T00:26:00.002+08:00

the constant headaches are just so freaking annoying. )$#(@#@!

somehow my soul feels so empty nowadays. i don't know what it is, but i just feel like there's something amiss. putting on the mask of a plastic-stretched smile is so tiring :(

53 days. then anxiety-inducing, hair-tearing exams again. then the "final" stretch before the "final" race. inverted commas cos life's a constant struggle. made up of infinite races and tests and trials where i'm going to be judged and ranked and made to feel like a miserable piece of crap.

suddenly i realise how much more serious the outcomes of exams are compared to the outcomes of races. i really wonder how i used to stress more over races than i did over school tests.

i am so stupid. it's so depressing having to accept that even after all the shit hard work i'm still just as stupid. why do i even bother to dream knowing that all those things are out of my reach? the dreams feel so superficial anyway, because if i had a choice i wouldn't want those things.

i just want to be happy and actually look forward to living each day with purpose and meaning. "just" is misleading. this is something that i could very possibly never achieve in my entire life. which once again is so (#*&#$ depressing.

2008-06-30T12:43:00.003+08:00

shouldn't be blogging since there's still phys paper but heck i'm tired and i need to vent haha. so..this shall be a pre post-exam post (post-exam post is supp to be all retrospective...)

agkdsljfsdkj i think screwed up a lot (possibly all) of my papers. cos. i'm me and me = tendency to fail. today was the worst cos i had a major mental block during chem paper. it's like i was trying to think and someone had short-circuited one of the connections in my brain to my memory area. ?! like really. i was just staring at the paper and nothing was coming to my head. perhaps the result of over-stimulation of brain cells over the past mth. eegad. very. very. very. bad.

really have never studied so much.. over such a long period of time. nahah. gotta get used to it cos like it or not, this is just the beginning.

right now, my flaws are so glaring that it's blinding to look in the mirror. zz. shan't think too far and just think of tmr, 11.01am. when i can finally let go a bit.

had a really bad headache and stomachache just now. felt like throwing up .. i blame the sat and sunday oily and salty meals. i think i'm oil and salt intolerant. just really feel super gross after eating such things. ackkk. time to detox.

NGAAHHHH PHYSICS TMR. heh as much as i (honestly) enjoy the subject, exam stress really kills the fun.

2008-06-24T20:49:00.003+08:00

We still feel your smile
Through your warm embraces
You have touched our lives
And hearts in a special way

You have fought the good fight
You have run and finished the race
You have kept the faith
Now you see God face to face

Billabong cap, cheeky grin, distinct laughter, die-hard determination and angelic presence. You'll always be dearly remembered..

I really can't believe it's been a whole year. Hope you're doing fine up there.

2008-06-18T22:31:00.002+08:00

i'm doomed. i don't know how to get over this annoying gnawing crappy emotion that's just sucking the life out of me. i can't concentrate on anything and i feel demoralised 200% of the time like i'm some big giant failure and i'm never gonna make it.

i hear voices telling me i'm a total disaster.

i am trying. i really really really am trying but it's like. ARGH.

fear and all that. KLJFKFLJKLDJFSAKLDJASD. i don't know what to dooo. it's not okay. it's not. ok to be like this.

feeling like i belong in a mental institution.

2008-06-14T21:19:00.002+08:00

The Bustle in a House

The Bustle in a House
The Morning after Death
Is solemnest of industries
Enacted upon earth-

The Sweeping up the Heart,
And putting Love away
We shall not want to use again
Until Eternity.

Emily Dickinson

dug that out from sec 4 lit poetry text- "Poems Deep and Dangerous" and started flipping through. i love the life and death section.. hur.

10 days away from a whole year. somehow, it doesn't feel like it's been that long. so many many many many. sigh. things. there. i don't know how to face it. it was all so intense and i don't know how i dragged myself through three hundred and fifty-five days.

i feel like i'm trapped in some sort of nightmare. i don't even feel the hours passing nowadays. weeks pass and i don't ..feel like. i've lived them. everything's become so routine, so technical. it's just study study study. if it's not studying it's eating or bathing or sleeping or it's taking a break from studying.

is it possible to lose purpose you never had in the first place?

i don't know how to describe it but it's horrible. i feel like i've jumped into one of my dark depression holes again. i can't control the things i do, the emotions i feel, the thoughts i have, anymore. why is that. it's just so horrible... i don't get why i keep falling into them i .. just want to escape from everything. it's just so scary to feel like i'm in this all alone and like i could just slip away from everything and not feel like i will miss any of this.

:"(

2008-06-08T21:58:00.002+08:00

hate how i'm feeling right now. it's one of those disgusting weekends i'm having. i realise i don't like weekends much. cos the weekday routine has been replaced by weekend chaos and uncertainty. heh okay i exaggerate. but. yah. i miss my weekdays :( sigh.

ARGHHHHHHH. things feel so weird. it's not right not right not right!

i hope i manage to wake up early for a run tmr. cos i think if i don't run in the morning before i start work i will just not run cos my study sched is packed to the max.

been feeling awfully lethargic recently.. cured that with a caffeine boost in the aft but i think i can't keep depending on caffeine to wake me up. hur. -bangs head on wall.

ARGHHHHHH.

zz. okay. must be very very disciplined for the next month. hur or else i'm gonna die for BT2.

2008-06-07T22:11:00.002+08:00

have this awfully strange feeling that some thing's gone wrong. it's really. really. really strange and a bit disturbing :( sigh then again maybe it's cos i've been thinking about some unpleasant things lately.

i am so dying without my reading room to mug at. haha. had to go for the brightsparks thing today which burnt my whole morning. was pretty good cept that the pace of the class was awfully slow (perhaps i'm too used to short, succinct, no-time-to-waste sort of lessons we normally have). and the class was like super lethargic. i tried to volunteer to ans questions more cos it was getting really draggy but it was quite strange cos i think like three quarts of the class was from 6C and i was the only one from 68 :( how lonely. haha. oh well. learned quite a lot of useful things.

been feeling very tired for the past 2 days so that's more nap time i.e. time wasted NOT STUDYING. and giddy :( feels awful sometimes. esp the tiredness. mm. then today i had to squeeze in a run right after lunch or else i would not have been able to run and then i wouldn't have run for three days (i think 3 days is too long it kills my body.. ahha. really.) yes so anyway lunch was so filling and halfway through my run i felt so darn sick! felt like throwing up ( i guess that's quite duh cos i mean after you eat you go run obviously you'll feel like that right). hai. horrid horrid feeling. gah and i had to cut my run short cos we were rushing off to the library :( boohoo.

i feel very restless now and nervous and. AGH. i realise i am a much more rational and efficient when i am calm. when i am all nervous like right NOW i can't do stuff and i GAH get annoyed with myself.

time is running out out out outout outoutout outoutoutout AHHH!!!!!!. i dont' like the weekend it disrupted my routine! :(

2008-06-05T23:08:00.002+08:00

my typical day for the past week (or maybe less):
7.30am- wake up, sit at my desk and stare at giant pile of notes/ files/ books
8.00am- b'fast
8.15am- start work!/ go to secret hide-out to study
work
work
work with like 2 toilet breaks in btwn cos i keep getting my bladder full from drinking all that water (has become 2nd nature to hydrate no matter what hahah)
noon- lunch! woohoo
post lunch- feeling sleepy from rush of blood to stomach
find my way to school/ secret hide-out to study
8pm- head home/ go out for dinner with family.
post dinner- stare at tv/ occupy myself with meaningless things like checking EMB/ ISP/ facebook/ blogsurfing

haha life is so pleasant now isn't it. came home from the airport not too long ago. post dinner activities are getting longer and longer :( hopefully i'll be able to start putting in more hours after dinner. hahah. i love mugging. this is when my ability to obsess over things for long hours comes in handy. so hurray for all the 3 plus hr training sessions i used to have, and whatever athletic activities that might have helped..

today was really fun cos during lunch break i took a bus ride down to magazine road to submit my report. haha. the bus ride was really fun. ahhaha. sounds stupid but i get a thrill out of taking the bus/ train. cos to everyone else it seems so normal .. like they just board/ alight and press the button .. it's daily routine for them. so i feel really out of place in the bus hahaha. (ok i may sound weird now cos i'm really tired) yes but it's fun! was like a sightseeing trip.. and pressing the bell is the best part :D it's always the best part. hahaha. i had a horrible time trying to find the office cos the units are numbered in a REALLY WEIRD way. seriously. haha. like how entrance to unit number #03-03 was on the ground level. and entrance to #03-02 was nowhere near entrance to the former and instead was on the other side of the building?! anyways. i was a frazzled mess when i submitted the stuff and sounded very uneasy when the dude was asking me questions. bad first impression. i was virtually stuttering i think.

OK YAY SO MUMMY AND TERRY ARE BACK. haha. terry's always working and looking awfully stressed i wish i could do more to cheer him up. sad to think that the frequency of our interaction is inversely proportional to time elapsed. (physics makes me think in terms of something-t graphs)

I NEED TO SLEEP I AM SO TIRED BUT THERE IS SO MUCH WORK TO BE DONE:( i am tireddddd!

2008-06-04T22:57:00.002+08:00

caught a glimpse of one of those beijing olympic ads on tv.. the short documentary-like clips.. haha where they like feature a sport or an aspect of chinese culture. i caught the tri one! though their predictions were kinda duh-. haha they predict that snowy and kahfedelt (spelling?lol) will win.. but that's so duh cos they were the commonwealth games winners. haha. fernandes! okay i'm quite outdated too.. since snowsill= snowy then fernandes should = ferny. hawhaw.

BEHIND ON MY REV SCHED :( boohoo and i was supp to do more work post-dinner but then we got home so late :( and i stank so i showered and now i'm sleepy.

oh well. mummy and terry are coming home tmr! hah maybe shld suggest to daddy that we go there early then i can go study at the airport. i totally love the fengshui in the school reading room tho. haha. cos like everyone's so quiet and i feel like i'm in an exam hall. class bench is not too bad when there's no one around.. and the sky's pitch black. hahah.

was reading about detraining.. (cos i'm wondering what on earth is happening to my body right now haha) it's quite scary to feel so many odd changes going on and not know what they are. so i decided i should read up more. yes. so anyway. apparently.. my body has become a lot less efficient cos i am burning glucose instead of carbs when i run. which might explain why i get giddy and tired when i'm running.. plus my muscles are shrinking and something about amino acids being distributed to the rest of my body?? hahah. but muscles shrinking is not good cos that means lower metabolic rate and that means i don't burn as much as i used to. heh need to start adapting to my new sedentary lifestyle...

i wish i could speed up the rest process cos i'm dying to get started on my work again. ahhah. strange but i find it awfully interesting to read through stuff i hardly understood last year and find that i suddenly understand it now. it's like ironing a really crumpled shirt... all the creases are my chunks of imperfect knowledge (ahha imperf competition, i am reminded of econs), and just like ironing, studying is straightening out the creases! i.e. doing away with my doubts. it's interesting. really. ahha. but stressful when i realise that TIME IS RUNNING OWT.

boohoo. should go sleep now.

2008-06-02T09:05:00.002+08:00

holidays have been pretty crappy. i finally finished my report. like yay but i'm not feeling happy cos i feel sick now. think i caught it from prissy. ARGH. sigh still gotta bind + go over to the office to send it in so that's gonna burn up another afternoon.

i haven't run for three days (and counting) and now i feel like a junkie in rehab or something. cept that i always thought rehab's supp to be rejuvenating. guh three days is my latest record, used to be max two. AHHH! my skin colour is awfully white now and my muscles are all.. degenerating or something cos everything feels like flab. (all the result of staying in the house practically 24/7)

i am so . frustrated. cos .. i feel sick :( good luck to me and my revision.

2008-05-29T15:29:00.000+08:00

for the past 2 nights i've been having dreams of people dying..

very.
disturbing.

2008-05-29T00:52:00.002+08:00

little women was good cos i met jiaying :) t'was an interesting play.

feeling crappy cos .. today didn't go as planned. sigh. i need need need to work faster faster faster and be more motivated. why am i so slack. ugh!!

i keep thinking about everything and like. gahhhhhhhh. the more i think the more impossible it seems. and when that happens i just give up altogether. that is. really. really. bad. cos failure is NOT an option.

i've stopped remembering. is that bad? if it isn't why do i feel so guilty and. like i'm just running away from it.

2008-05-24T23:14:00.002+08:00

went for a rather pleasant long run earlier today.. the weather was perfect! :) felt so carefree and happy.. (tho my legs are still aching! rarghh!)

the most delicious salad appeared for lunch. i think i've got an obsession with raw veg cos i seem to gravitate towards them wherever i go. e.g. when we go out for dinner. haha. and when i don't get my dose of raw veg i become an unhappy eater. maybe i'm turning into a cow.. grazing on grass. haha. and if i can't get it raw i don't mind it boiled. but i detest oily salty gross fried veg dishes that leave me thirsty and feeling like crap. hoho. the past wk's menu was full of chicken dishes so now i'm really really sick of chicken :X i love FISHIES.

haha i think i have these food phases. like for instance..for the past 2-3 wks i've been pretty obsessed with quakers oatmeal squares ahha. and wasa and jam. and bread. but today i suddenly don't like the thought of eating bread/ cereal/ wasa anymore. instead i'm into veggie. ahhhah. wonder how that works out psychologically...

was watching makan sutra this aft and i learn that da paolo was locally started?!?! zomg. hoho. hee i just want to run and eat yummy food all day. studying's a total pain :(

i have come to the conclusion that training screws up my hormonal levels. ahha cos when i stop i tend to get these super bad breakouts that last forever. imbalance of testosterone perhaps... hah. so grosss. ew.

while waiting to be picked up from tuition yestd i was exploring the shop and save on the ground floor and i was examining the diff types of bread on sale....(don't ask why haha cos i don't know either) and and and! i found out that gardenia makes low carb wholemeal loaves?!?! which is really quite interesting. i wonder how they do it. if the net weight is the same how do they reduce the carbs?! i am intrigued haha. whatever you substitute the grains/sugar with won't the carb content still be roughly the same? surprisingly the caloric content is like 1/3 lower than normal loaves!

lalala i want to live in a nice apartment with a beautiful steel/ glass-themed kitchen .. and it'll be stocked with the greatest yummiest food around and i'll cook and serve up all my favourite meals! :D and when i look out the window, i'll see the streets and the sun setting..and when i look out of another window i'll see beautiful meadows and um a beach haha. with clear waters! i'll have a bike trainer set up to face the meadows so i can hit the saddle whenever i want (now road phobic cos i haven't ridden chinese fireball since last yr :X) and when i feel like it i'll just hop out of the house and go swim in the clear waters! or run along the beach! or run on the grass in the meadows! and i want a pet dog... to run with haha.

beautiful dreamzzz.

hope me muscle aches will go away soon. been trying to stretch more haha but not realleh working...

happy eleventh :) hope you're doing well...

2008-05-23T23:19:00.003+08:00

i wish i knew how to make it stop. watching things spiraling out of control like this makes me feel so worthless. why can't i control myself.

i don't know what i'm doing wrong but it feels like i'm doing everything wrong and i just want to go back and restart but i can't.

worrying just makes it all worse. vicious cycle which i can't stop :(

2008-05-22T22:11:00.002+08:00

today's girls' a div bball finals was mind blowing. kudos to the hc bball team! was so inspiring to see them fight like that. and the win in the end made it all the more worthwhile. haha. cos you know how effort doesn't always equal to result... me pessimistic outlook.

was nice bumping into ex-schoolmates... like people i haven't met for almost 2 years. lol. met gryffles the RJ mascot which apparently cost 1000bucks to tailor haha. demonstrated cheering low to lishan hahaha i think she was amused. came home with a hoarse throat... something that used to happen to me only after cheering sessions in RG hahahaa. sianying accompanied me on the bus ride back :) :) :)

my legs and back are seriously aching. like i haven't had such bad muscle/ pseudo-muscle (lol) aches since loughborough circuit cum weights cum bounding days..which come to think of it, were actually pretty darn long ago. haha. must've been the 5 items frm yestd. seriously just goes to show how weak my muscles are. if i'm not wrong my backache is from sit and reach. like rotfl who gets aches from sitting and reaching?! quadz are aching from SBJ. hahah which i embarassed myself doing (as usual). i only jumped 2 times on the mat! hee but was prolly aggravated by insuff warmup plus evening run i did :) (evening run was so greaaattt. me loves new routes)

today i consumed a whole stick (this is a misleading term..it was really more of a loaf-sized thing haha) of ciabatta bread. haha like hello what am i carbo-loading for??lol.

the quote about not needing to do great things but instead doing little things with great love just popped in my head. must focus on not being so selfish... cos i'm a fishmonger by nature.

PENCE if you are reading this... I MISS YOU A LOT :(

2008-05-21T17:50:00.002+08:00

I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to live like I know what I'm leaving
I want to know that my heart's still beating
-awakening, switchfoot

just read that you were one of them twelve. now i know why they say you're name with the extra 'a'.

wish the weather would be more pleasant so i wouldn't feel so heat sick. body's rotting away which is so gross. i wish i knew how to control it better. gotta do something quick before it's too late.

worrying is tiring. why do i make it seem as if caring = worrying.

i'm never sleeping so late on a sch day again. my body clock's all screwed now.

2008-05-20T20:22:00.002+08:00

maybe we've been living with our eyes half open
maybe we're bent and broken
we were meant to live for so much more
have we lost ourselves?

slept at 2.30am today. zzz. cos at 12 midnite i realised i'd forgotten to do my PQ. so yahoo i spent 2.5hrs doing it. haha. dunno why so slow. productivity greatly decreases in the wee hours of the morning. sigh. had initially planned to go for a run in the morning but when my alarm clock rang i was half dead. haha.

eegah :( feel quite useless nowadays. cos deep down i'm just this selfish brat who's all insecure about everything...

can't believe it's been more than a year already. as dates start to overlap it gets a bit scary. cos you start remembering all the "exactly one year ago"s. i want to know why things happened that way.. why i can't talk to her anymore..what i was meant to get out of all that..and what i'm supp to do with all this new stuff i'm reading/ learning about. i trust her a lot but i can't .. handle these things when i can't talk to her about things anymore.

i want to be happy and content and lead a purposeful life. meanwhile... i shall focus on being a less selfish idiot. i'm doing all the things that tore me apart when they were done to me. is it human nature to imitate past experiences so that you can get a kick out of doing it to others? rah totally disgusted with myself.

3 things i need most now:
sleep
run
more exercise

haha. stress= binge eating which is such a horrible thing to do to myself. I NEED AN ACTIVE LIFE. hoho.

2008-05-16T14:47:00.002+08:00

supp to be running RIGHT NOW but i feel lazy :( sigh.

for some reason i've been stuck in deep thought today... haha and there are like a million questions floating in my head and all i see is this big question mark :(

perspective. makes all the difference. feel so small in this whole "grand scheme of things".

i wonder.. if you stop believing in something, will all evidence of its existence disappear?

2008-05-14T23:08:00.002+08:00

finally i did some good work today. my concentration actually lasted for a decent amt of time and i could actually sit down and do work. yay. must be the 2.4k in the morning, and run in the evening :) and finally i feel calm...the weather today was so darn good. (okay not the raining part that got the softball match canceled. lol) in the evening the weather was sooper dooper good. and i ran and ran and i didn't feel tired. haha. the sky was really beautiful!!! sunset was so pretty!!! and i didn't get bored staring at the same old route.

school today was good! cos a) i could follow chem tut, b) i am done with 2.4k segment of NAPFA (dang 5 items to go), c) cool weather, d) XOXOSIANYINGXOXO.

hahah. the foggers shouldn't fog in the aft. health risk for students! aiyoh.

bus ride home was so hilarious. rotfl.

me toe is still purple and getting more purple. ruyi mistook the purple colouration it for nailpolish ahha.

piangs, a lot a lot of work!

2008-05-13T19:23:00.002+08:00

post school hours today were pretty nice cos andy, lishan, ruyi, songyuan and i sat around and talkeddd. much needed esp since my mind's been a whirlwind of emotion lately. thanks guyss (: i think i keep losing sight of what really matters. and that screws things up so bad...

it's scary, it's painful and it seems impossible. it's torturous to live life day to day without knowing what my purpose in life is. i guess there comes a point in life where we can no longer be ignorant about such things.

schoolwork's piling and it's a super eek feeling. i feel like i'm too late and no matter what i do now it's not going to work. had i known i'd be feeling this way earlier i really really would've spent more time on schoolwork in secondary school :( sigh.

just thinking about what lies ahead makes my head feel like bursting. need to listen to calming songs + try to keep myself from panicking or else i'm not gonna be able to get any decent work done! RARR.

Hold Fast by Mercy Me is xoxo. Thanks Jo! :)

2008-05-12T18:53:00.002+08:00

my body's been feeling rather shitty these past few days. feel so so so so tired :( the headaches and giddiness are killer. i hate the feeling of not being in control of things. suddenly just focusing seems to take everything out of me :(

so much work to be done. it's neverending and the thought that i'm going to fail in the end is such a turn off. nagging voice in my head telling me that i can't do it.

feel like there's all this pent up negative energy in me that has been eating my insides. i want to turn back the clock so badly. feel so horrible. wounds i'll never be able to get rid offff. i wish i didn't have all this baggage to carry along. i constantly feel like i'm dragging a hell lot of stuff along wherever i go.

I DONT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS :(

2008-05-10T16:23:00.002+08:00

been feeling so sick since last night :( monstrous headaches, the feeling like i'm gonna throw up, bloatedness... it's as irritating as the volatile, pungent, toxic white HCl fumes evolved when you react PCl5 with alcohols. haha. (ok actually i wouldn't know cos i have yet to see/smell those fumes) damn gross feeling!!!!!!!!! ARGH. i can't concentrate on anything and i'm not getting proper work done. i don't even feel like going for a run or anything fun for that matter.

chem spa this morning was goooddd. a lot better than the mock spa at least. yay. so proud of myself (: MrLoy's notes are super comprehensive (x 1000)! haha and i like my own notes a lot too. i should start filing T2 stuff. time is flying by like nobody's business.

mothers' day dinner tonight with maternal relatives. i hateeee this sort of . thing. haha. esp when i feel like being alone. sian diaoz.

maybe i should clean up my room .. heh. wahlao i really feel super sick :( been drinking a lot a lot of water. dunno why i'm so thirsty + hungry. feel like i haven't eaten forever. BBRRRRR. maybe it's the stress. last night i was raiding prissy's room hahaha. AGH NOW MY INSIDES FEEL coated with .. saturated fats and possibly trans fats and ewww. i think junk food should be banned!!!! sian...

hmmm. think i was okay till thursday then i started getting worried about spa and like doing weird things. why does stress affect me so much :( s'always like that onez. couldn't sleep properly last night and i got up at like 4am. ahha. it was raining and there was thunder and i couldn't get back to bed. so i ended up revising more chem till 6am. was so zonked after b'fast that i had to take a nap before going to sch. AGHHH. need some anti-anxiety drugs or sth. lol. i can totally imagine myself blacking out before A levels. ha. ha . haaaaaa. i need some stress therapy!!!!! hypnosis from pollywhirlll!! (don't even know why i rmb pokemon names)

eh? but spa is over why am i still exhibiting odd stress symptoms. lawl. preash dont tell me i'm alrd worrying about BT2 -cries.

2008-05-07T20:53:00.002+08:00

HAHAHA SIANYING'S LIFE IS OFFICIALLY MORE ENTERTAINING THAN ANY TV SHOW EVER.

hahaha. either that or i just lead a plain boring life.

i'm so much happier when i don't think so much. ignorance is seriously freaking BLISS. hahaha. or maybe my blood sugar level is high after dinner. or maybe living vicariously through others is way more gratifying than staring at the mirror.

nawppp cannot think so muchhh.

dying is fine)but Death

2008-05-06T23:07:00.002+08:00

dying is fine)but Death

?o
baby
i

wouldn't like

Death if Death
were
good:for

when(instead of stopping to think)you

begin to feel of it,dying
's miraculous
why?be

cause dying is

perfectly natural;perfectly
putting
it mildly lively(but

Death

is strictly
scientific
& artificial &

evil & legal)

we thank thee
god
almighty for dying
(forgive us,o life!the sin of Death

ee cummings

i think that this poem is really woah. ee cummings is woah. and i'm in my "death"-themed lousy mood again so it's nice to read and think.. he's comparing dying- the physical cessation of life vs death- of one's spirit. i.e. you can be physically alive but spiritually dead. was wondering if it really is possible to be physically dead but spiritually alive. which is the basis of religions isn't it? beyond this imaginary line things are just a giant question mark (to me).

it's strange that when you haven't heard from someone for really long, it feels like the person's gone.. :( and as much as you think you feel that person's presence every now and then, you can't help but wonder if it's self-conjured and merely a figment of your imagination.

am feeling totally drained for i don't know what reason. wanted to do some consolidation but gah my brain is like agh so tired. highly unproductive. am disappointed with myself... i am a slow poke and i will go sleep now.

off the ground so we never fall down again

2008-05-06T17:45:00.002+08:00

felt so sleepy after school today. came home and binged on nonsense :X now i have a stomachache.

why did she have to suddenly remind me of it. now i'm totally grrrhhhh. i don't want it to affect me so much anymore but somehow it just does. well at least it feels like a long, drawn out, vivid nightmare now. a bit more distant..

haha if Freud's principle of psychic determinism is true, i think that further confirms that i'm a horribly disturbed person. hahah...

i think i should go out and run now ..atone for my bingeing sins and release some of that horrid energy that's building up inside of me. !!!!!! RARH.

2008-05-05T22:40:00.002+08:00

there were chopped onions in dinner and now my mouth is feeling gross even after brushing my teeth.

granuloma bandage is off! finally my finger can breathe... but the rotting skin looks gross and the entire granuloma has yet to dry up/ fall off.

i feel my muscles atrophying and getting soft and icky. i think detraining is annoying and it's a constant challenge to keep myself from growing into the pig that i was last year. aye the body is a queer little complex thing. haha but unlike last year i'm totally not missing boring training.

studying at the class bench with the wind blowing in my face (not too strong) and with genius ruyi by my side to answer my toopid questions is rather gratifying. hahah i was especially tickled by how mrlow appeared like some mirage... just as ruyi and i were facing difficulty in comprehending the lecture notes..

today i realised that biking home at near 7-ish is quite interesting cos you can really smell what everyone is cooking. like seriously! hahha biking in the morning is annoying cos there are people walking their dogs which sometimes run wild and try to attack me. and then there's the morning jam. and the impatient drivers who REFUSE to give way to measly lowly school-going kid on a bicycle but instead horn and give me dirty looks. haha. i exaggerate not.

HI I FEEL AWFUL COS MY MOUTH FEELS LIKE ITS FULL OF ONIONS. haha.

i am restlessss. studying is boringggg. i wanna go shoppingggggg. ohohoh! great world renovated their cedele and it looks so gorgeous now. and they've got new dishes! i wanna eat there! :(

2008-05-04T21:22:00.003+08:00

just when granuloma was starting to heal... stubborn blister has appeared yet again in my toenail. yah like after 4 months of painful growing (the toenail died the last time cos i had a blister in it.. for the second time) toenails take a super long time to regrow mind you... urgh. and it hurts like nuts too. why are my feet punishing me for running! :"( and the toenail isn't even fully grown yet.. has about 1cm to go! rah.

my stomach feels so sick now :(

i'm afraid to put in more effort cos more effort = more expectations of myself = more painful when faced with failure (99.99% probability of this). then again i wonder if this is gonna ruin my future. heh in any case i've been feeling awfully demoralized and unmotivated to study :(

my stomach feels horridddd. eeuurrghh.

2008-05-01T23:43:00.002+08:00

i step back and i realise that i'm such a wreck and i don't deserve any of this.. i shouldn't be hereeee !

so annoying i want to scream and just run away into the darkness and never have to face the world again.

ARGH.

my sunflower's wilting and dying and i am freaking out over i don't know what.

2008-05-01T19:34:00.002+08:00

i'm scared nobody that one day will be around when i fall and i'll be all alone and nobody will be there to pick me up.

i know i'm not supposed to think about it but the thoughts and emotions just creep in and i end up feeling so horrible...

on a happier note: granuloma is healing (no, it's not granola hahaha) when i took off the bandage i was pleased to find that its edges were starting to clot! haha. i must take a picture soon. i just remembered something really funny. in sec 4, sianying mistook my bandage (protecting my granuloma back then) for my ERASER. ROTFL!

2008-04-30T23:56:00.002+08:00

today was reaaaallllly good cos
1. class lunch at BTP
2. I GOT TO MEET SIANYING AND FANGFISH :D (and nurul, and gen, and the other gen, and zhiying!, and jiaying!)
3. i got to watch half of the softball game (with sy's great commentry!) and witness jo's courageous never-say-die attitude during the game (JO ARE U READING THIS haha)
4. i got to mumble raffles cheers (sianying would stop me if i got too loud..) with the RJ version of CMU. (they are super cool! and i miss raffles cheers ahha.. i still know them a lot better than hc cheers)
5. xctry JTS dinner + pool

haha my fav were 2, 3 and 4. sianying i love you! :)

i realised that no matter what the sport.. athletes have this common thread in them- the unwillingness to give up. they (no longer "we" cos i'm like retired i think ahah) keep pushing.. so hard that they are no longer conscious of their physical limits. noble, yes. but scary to watch. i agree that as the athlete, you will never want to give up, not after all you've been through.. sometimes even if it is at the expense of your health/life. but as a spectator.. you just want to run over and pull the person out of danger. painful to watch.... mmm. and our school needs more qualified medics to be stationed at matches/ competitions... seriously.

today was also hard for me... ..... ... .. ... and .. .. all in one day. being at those places i haven't stepped into ..... .. .... :( i didn't want to have new memories pasted over the old ones, afraid the old ones would become less memorable.. but it has to fade sooner or later. and i was happy that she was there with me to help me along the way (:

hectic weeks ahead. i'm scared. gotta take it one day at a time...

2008-04-29T20:47:00.002+08:00

how my granuloma has changed my life:
1. i have to wash my hands in a weird way
2. i have to bathe in a weird way
3. i have to brush my teeth with my left hand
4. i can't eat grapes properly, and when i do (by default), i sometimes accidentally bite my bandage. lol.
5. i can't type on the keyboard properly!
6. i have to change my bandage once a day.. and what i uncover underneath that bandage is way beyond gross.. haha.
7. i have to take painkillers periodically to do something to my pain receptors and dull the pain
8. there's this weird throbbing sensation on my finger throughout the day
9. writing is a pain
10. whenever i accidentally hit the wound i am left cringing in pain

i know, who would've thought some extra tissue could cause so much discomfort/ inconvenience right? strangely, the granuloma i had in sec 4 healed a lot faster than this..when i changed the bandage today the thing didn't look like it had shrunk/ dried up.. just looked purple and red and granuloma-like.. gah. i want my functional fourth finger back!

we went to watch Angela Hewitt play Book II of Bach's "The Well-Tempered Clavier" on Sunday. yes. the ENTIRE BOOK. in ALL 24 KEYS. haha. she's amazing. she played for 74 mins straight, then 76 mins straight with a 30 min intermission in btwn. she paused for water breaks now and then but still, that's like doing a triathlon but instead of swim/bike/run she's just playing keys. haha. super impressive cos she did it without the help of any score in front... like omg right. brought some chem spa notes along to mug and i realised that my mind could absorb stuff a lot better! interesting. but i still flunked chem mock spa. hur.

i feel weird cos i haven't done any run today. wonder how i'm gonna keep this up .. as in regular exercise. i get grumpy if i don't exercise.. but running is super boring if i do it everyday. me wants to swim but me granuloma is still red and purple. eek. it still bleeds btw. haha.

yay ch8 9oclock show!

2008-04-28T21:32:00.002+08:00

there are some things that you just can't undo. words you cannot take back. pain you cannot erase. voids you cannot fill.

i wish i could disappear.

this is

2008-04-27T13:17:00.002+08:00

what it feels like to be told that your 18years of existence thus far have amounted to nothing but failure.

well thanks for being so honest with me.

no matter what i do or how hard i try i'll always be some idiot who never succeeds.. in your eyes at least.

thanks. really,thanks.

maybe i should just stop putting in the effort. i'll be happier and you'll be just as disappointed.

i should have been the one to go that day, not him. then you wouldn't be complaining about the amount of wasted money you've spent on me, my education, and my training.

honestly, people shouldn't bring lives into the world if they want to tear them apart like this.

2008-04-25T22:59:00.002+08:00

just got my granuloma sliced off just now. it was. a lot more excruciating then i remember. ahha. yes. in sec 4 i had the exact same growth on the same finger...just on the other side of the nail. ahaha i've seen the doc so many times for minor surgery that he remembers me and my strange abnormalities quite well. even asked me about my toes..hur.

ok so anyway my right ring finger is now bandaged and it hurts but it's a lot less painful than just now... omg.

yah so as i expected he froze the thing and then sliced it off with a knife. sounds painful? GOSH IT REALLY WAS. heh. felt more painful than i remembered the procedure to be. mummy was there haha but i almost blacked out. seriously..super scary. cos i was in SO MUCH PAIN.. i started to get giddy.. and my vision blurred (literally) and i felt like throwing up and i cldn't talk. haha. the doc asked me to go lie down and i did and after that i felt like i was paralysed. reminded me of the feeling i had when i collapsed last june. hur. but this time my finger was in a CRAP LOAD OF PAIN. THROBBING LIKE NEVER BEFORE AND OMG. haha. mummy said my lips turned purple. lol.

uh so 4 painkillers later, i was seated at tanglin mall eating my fav salad and malt bread! hahaha. (thanks mummy and daddy :D) and now i'm ok but my hand hurts. feels like the nerves are firing funny sensations. very weird. but at least it's not as painful as just now... doc says that finger has a lot of nerves... have MC for tmr but i am too excited about carpark ushering to miss such an enriching experience! lol. i'm not kidding. haha. reminds me of sec 2 when i had to walk in pumps for like 4-5 hrs straight, ushering ppl from the athena gate...

haha as i was lying on the doc's bed thingum and trying to endure the (omg really super horrid) pain, i started doing mrram's visualisation. ahhaha. i really really wanted to distract myself from the pain so i did the deep breathing and all his mindbodysoul yoga things. focused on an image. and guess what image came to my head....

RUNNING IN BOTANICS> AHAHHAHA. think i did so much visualization that it's default to see myself running the race when i close my eyes.

ok my finger hurts i should stop being stupid and typing.

YAY BUFFET LUNCH TMR! courtesy of mummy. hee. must go work it off! PAT MUST WAKE UP EARLY.

2008-04-23T23:14:00.002+08:00

really happy for the girls team (: been an amazing (in a whole lot of ways) 6 (?) months training with the hc xctry team... and so this is the last of the last "national inter school cross country" races. haha. sec1-j2. 6 years. from macritchie, to sentosa, to turf and now to botanics. interesting. now i can say i have a "complete" set of memories i suppose.

i have the most wonderful classmates. like seriouslyyy.... roar.

my stomach feels weird and i'm burping dinner. my legs feel quite sore (die i didnt warm down today) and my head is feeling airy and i haven't done my homework.

the people i most want to talk to have been uncontactable for months. sigh :"(

so much i wish i could let out but there are some things that normal sane people wouldn't talk about... and each time i try to let off steam i end up sounding like a looney (which i could very possibly be)

KJFDSKLJALKJSJHWERUADJKAFKSFWIOERUIJFSD sigh. this is really .. testing my beliefs.

i feel a granuloma growing on my finger. it's gross and i don't want to go for minor surgery at silver cross again. the doctor is sinister and i can imagine his scary sadistic smile when he sees my wound. granuloma please go away.

this freedom doesn't feel as good as i'd imagined it to. maybe that's cos i never expected myself to allow things to end this way.

i'm rambling. i HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK but i need some spaceeeeeee to unwind and destress and sigh.

2008-04-22T19:02:00.001+08:00

jlwhxn, wdmtdbshjz, dzjhmyxx...

:( zdhxn...

2008-04-21T23:05:00.002+08:00

don't look behind,

till you've crossed the finish line.

as much as i've always thought of that as my last race, the day practically everything changed for me...... what's coming up in 2 days is probably the last competitive race (that i've been training regularly for) i'm going to take part in for the rest of my jc life (and perhaps, but hopefully not, years to come). things have been far from ideal, far from what i'm used to, but i've come this far... now's the time to get back all i've put in. been through hell and high water..now's the time to enjoy and reap the seeds i've sown!
GO ME! :)

the team's really strong and i have no doubt that everyone will do really well (:

haha i've seriously gotta stop looking back...

clarity is power.

food

2008-04-19T22:07:00.002+08:00

no air by jordin sparks ft chris brown is super niceee.

haha cos i'm thinking about food, i shall list my favourite dishes/ eateries! just off the top of my head... (my head is always thinking about yummilicious food as you can see..)

1. salads, soups, s'wiches, breads, cookies, cakes, (lol and packaging too)- cedele!!!!
2. salads, soups, desserts- cafe 211 @ holland v
3. salads, s'wiches, breads (malt bread!), pastries (doughnut made of brown bread!)- tanglin boulgarie or something @ tanglin mall
4. s'wiches- o'briens @ jelita
5. tuna and ginger salad, wasa + jam, other great dishes- HOME :D
6. salads, cakes, cookies- da paolo gastronomia
7. an pan! with no egg and made with red rice, other bread things- provence bakery @ holland v
8. frozen yoghurt- frolick @ holland v
9. peanut soybean pancake- jollibean
10. local food- tee top @ keppel club, tied with victory seafood restaurant near ikea, and ubin seafood, and samy's curry restaurant :D
11. yong tao foo- great world city food court/ funan centre food court
12. veggie delite s'wich- subway

haha subway's gone down to the bottom cos of the bad service i received last sat at the anchorage branch. the guy took sooooper long to prepare the thing (elloz it's just veggie on bread how difficult is it to prepare?!) and he BURNT MY BREAD! :( -loud sob. after that.. my impression of subway has never been the same.. the swich that night tasted horrid and even the veggie delite salad (hahaha i got a matching salad) tasted awful.. boo. haha looking at the list makes me hungry.. ahhaha i hope i dream of eating it tonight.. :D but anyways i got to eat salad from 5 and peanut soybean pancake from 8 just now. yay i love mummy and daddy. haha.

i want to shop at anchorage soon! cos when i popped by last sat to get my subway swich i saw a LOT OF SHOPS :D -eyes pop out- and they were mostly factory outlet stores..i.e. good bargains! haha.

i should go sleep now.. i really hope i dream of my foodiess :D haha. when i start working i'll plan an eating schedule to schedule my meals... haaaah. hope that all of those places will still be there by then!

good omens

2008-04-18T23:25:00.003+08:00

to add to my bruised knee and shin, i dropped a very heavy paperweight on my toe just now. super painful.

been feeling so lethargic nowadays it's getting a bit out of hand....

my toe hurts! geez.

i had a cedele dinner tonight and it was so yummy. i want to buy over cedele and have them serve me their salads/soups/breads/cakes all day long (okay maybe only during meal times). i kept the paperbag that came with my salad.. and i'm hoping to use it to wrap a notebook with..but quite afraid that looking at it will make me hungry. ha. ha.

i am bursting at the seams from irregular meals.

ACHINGgGggg. hello i am so stupid but mummy says that the slow and steady win the race. i am slow and unsteady at the moment.

looking at old pictures makes me sad.

kawaii i should sleep now.

random random

2008-04-17T21:37:00.002+08:00

quantum phys is the bomb. hurhur.

i ate too much for dinner AGAIN.

i am stinky and i have yet to shower.

i wonder what things will be like a week from now

ch8 9 o'clock show is quite interesting

while doing plyo today i bruised my knees and shin bone and my right knee's like swollen or something now... ayeee.

i learnt what lau hong means today hahahhaha.

i miss my non "lau hong"-ed body. rotfl.

i think i want to turn vegetarian .. like i'll eat fish but i won't eat chicken and pork and beef... was staring at the dead chicken that was defrosting in the kitchen and my sis prodded it and it's eyes OPENED! AHHH!!!! its face was red and it looked sad and in pain :( its neck had been slit and there were traces of blood.....BOYCOTT MEAT ITEMS! (i know it's strange that i don't get the same feeling when staring at dead fish.. maybe i haven't been staring enough) ayee. SAY NO TO MEAT.

on another note, i saw MAGGOTS IN THE KITCHEN CRAWLING OVER ROTTEN FOOD THE OTHER DAY. i was/ still am super grossed out and the image of it makes me want to throw up. (tommy's post-run stench has the same effect.. almost died taking the bus with him to ccab today lol.... ahha no offence tommy :P )

2008-04-16T19:47:00.002+08:00

yay did a pb this morning. although i feel that i could've done much better, i'm still proud of myselfff. (must delight in simple things..) there's something about running in the morning.. it's really invigorating. although i tend to feel really tired by the time i get to the second block in school. lol.

am trying super hard to maintain/ cut down my weight. hah. but it's a really horrible task cos it makes me feel tired and sometimes i end up bingeing. hur. nothing foreign though, done this sort of thing many times before and results always vary. so i'm crossing my fingerss... just 7 days! heh actually what worked best was my 9 trainings/wk trng sched. hahah. which is really impossible to do right now (or anywhere in the near future).

been feeling very very tired these few days. i can't seem to concentrate properly during lessons :( which really really sucks. heh conservation of willpower. use more focusing on one thing, left with less for other things. gah.

heehee there are these really cute 9-10 year old child dancers on tv.. in some ballroom dancing competition. and they look really really pro and cutee.

daddy had a flat tyre and he's not home yet... :( mummy is mia. i hate eating dinner so late all the time.. cos i end up eating a lot before the actual meal :(

i have a craving for lemon meringue cake from cedeleeee. and frozen yoghurt from frolick. veggie wrap from o'briens. haha. mummy says i have expensive taste... haha i agree..

everything's a giant whirlwind in my head. i keep telling myself that things will be better after cross nationals are over, but now i'm starting to wonder if they might be worse. i have these great plans of what i'll do with my time and how i'm going to do things that will make me very happy but then i've conveniently forgotten the "what if"s...

while overhearing classmates comparing PSLE scores i realised that i'm really very dumb. ahhaa. which makes me feel a) worse cos that means i will always be dumber than everyone, but b) better cos that explains my slow learning abilities.

YAY DINNER BELL. i miss carefree days...

2008-04-14T20:55:00.002+08:00

i'm super tired now. like i think i ate too much too fast for dinner. super duper woooper full :(

i am blogging so much these days. zz. my face still feels bloaty. it's not a nice feeling. my stomach tooo :( boo.

talking to sianying these past few nights has made me realise that i'm really very fortunate to have people looking out for me all the time. like.. i've always had people to fall back on... and i'm the sort of person who NEEDS people to fall back on or else i'll just crash and burn. everything has just always worked out so nicely such that there is always someone there when i need a shoulder to cry on.

always, always, always! it just scares me a bit to think about the day when nobody's left. oh well.

roar i am sleepy.

hahaha listening to the chronicles of sianying make me feel very happy :D

2008-04-12T17:38:00.002+08:00

the past week has been very hectic. with training ending uber late, and me feeling shitty all day, struggling to finish hw and waking up in the wee hours of the morning cos i just couldn't get my brain going the night before, trying like mad to cut down on input.. gah. yes it has been horrible.

although i think i should reward myself for having been so focused on training for the past few days. with school nationals drawing so near (11 more days only!), i have finally got myself to start thinking more like someone who is going to compete in a race. sounds confusing? (suddenly asking rhetorical qtns reminds me of hilarious AQs read during GP) basically, for the past who knows how many months (i haven't even bothered to keep track), my feelings toward training have been rather negative. cept for those long runs or like occasional hill workouts, i've pretty much been dreading training sessions. i just canNOT help comparing.. how do you put 2.5 years of a specific type of training behind you and just adapt to a completely different event/ style of coaching/ training prog? i'm not good at adapting to changes in the first place... it's really been very VERY hard for me.. to add to that there's all the emo baggage i have to clear out of my head.

yeah, so basically, i've never been so distracted during trainings in my life. there's a false sense of effort.. yes i am concentrating, yes i am putting in the time, yes i am there moving my legs and working my heart,.. but i've never been FOCUSED on achieving my goals, not like i used to be anyway. if you've seen how i used to train/ race, you'd know that sometimes i wasn't even aware of any pain my physical body was feeling. gah so anywayzzz, i've made it through the months and now i'm 11 days away from the beginning of the end. i'm scared i'll look back on this whole thing with so many regrets. but at this moment, i know i really did try my best. there are some things we just have no control over. if i had put more effort into training my studies could possibly have suffered even more (they are seriously cmi at the moment anyways). haha. okay so i hope that after the race if i feel upset i will read this post and i will feel happier.

it was a really great experience being part of the hc xctry team.. exposed to the very unique culture of hc cross country runners.. hahah. it's cool to see how the coaches/ teachers and students work together so well. plus! coaches/ teachers are actually aware of the academic aspect of your life! lol.

rah. yes so i must not give up! 11 days to get back the old me.. part of it at least. then give it all i've got on the 23rd. i really hope i'll be able to contribute.. ahah. i honestly do believe that there is a lot of me that hasn't "come out" yet. hope i can get it out in time.. (i am starting to sound like a monster or something.. inner mes that have yet to come out. lol.) just gotta find the right keys :)

okay i am super slacking right now. no mood to do work. haha. but really i'm quite sick of having to think about schoolwork all the time. hahah i am also recovering from post-BT1 results blues.. zz i must not be so stressed about schoolwork. it really does feel a bit wrong to put it ahead of so many things.. but i mean putting it behind other things doesn't mean that i should spend less time on it. i guess it just means taking away the subconscious pressure i put on myself to GO DO WORK NOW. haha. ah but it really is quite frightening when you count down to As. and think about all the KNOWLEDGE and SKILLS you have to have right at your fingertips by then.

woah long post...

2008-04-09T19:10:00.003+08:00

i don't believe that this is me. one year ago things were so different, i wasn't this easily torn apart. i was strong. i was focused. i knew what i wanted. sure, it's debatable whether or not what i was working toward was actually worth the blood/sweat/tears, but at least i KNEW.

now i have no clue. no. clue. at. all.

all i have are these goals people place in front of me, goals they expect me to achieve, no matter what the cost. i can drive myself toward these goals blindly, but when i open my eyes and find i'm about to crash it just doesn't feel good.

i really did work hard you know. logic tells me i should be contented, happy, and perhaps even inspired to work harder. but there's this irksome feeling deep down inside. that horrible disgusting feeling of inadequacy, stupidity..like i'm a whole level below the rest. as if these gnawing thoughts and feelings aren't enough, there are things people say.....that make me feel a hell of a lot worse. then weakness kicks in and i just want to give up. i never knew what i was working for anyway, so why subject myself to all this....

but that is not an option.

why on earth are grades so important... achievements.. all these material markers that invite others' judgment. it's so stupid...

:(

so depressing...

:(

[edit]
i am sick of having to fight for things from you. seriously. super. duper. sick. TAKE IT ALL LA WTH.
i am sick of schoool
i feel like not doing my work and slacking cos i'm too stupid and i'll never make it anyway
hallelujah, say hello to april's first breakdown.

eighteen! today!

2008-04-06T21:31:00.002+08:00

eighteen years ago, on this very day, at 0604h (cool right, i was born on 060490 at 0604h), i was born into this world. ?? haha. eighteen years, that sounds like a super long time..

haha. my last birthday party with non-family members was in P4 i think. in P5 i lost my pager and the penalty was no birthday party for me. or something like that. and from then on i never had birthday parties.. lol. yeah so today's lunch was a total SURPRISE for me. planned by pamtheham! (thanks pammie!) hhaha. still can't quite believe that happened, but anyways it was really cool (: thanks to all the hc cross girls for your present/s/ce! so cool, so cool. :D :D and they all wore dresses! ahha. yay!

reading session was really fun too, cos i managed to get their attention and they seemed to have learned stuff so that made me happy (: plus my bro got them to sing me a birthday song haha so it was really cute.

proceeded to jelita to get my frizzy mane cut cos it's been getting rather heavy.. it's strange how hairdressers seem to have this compulsion to iron my hair after they've cut it. i mean.. i used to enjoy it way back when i hated my curls a lot but now i'm sort of bo chap about it, so i get quite annoyed when they iron it! cos my head feels hot when they're done and i can't tell if they've done a good job with my hair cos it's straight and i don't know what it's gonna look like when it's in its standard state (lol). yeah so this lady ironed my hair again. and she shrieked at the sight of my pimply forehead and told me to put ice cold cucumbers on my face before bed. HAHAHA. after telling mummy this mummy scolded me for scratching my pimples heehee. (i scratch my pimples when i'm stressed..haha) YES. so anyways, i think she cut it too short and tmr when i wash my hair i'm going to have a horrid time trying to tie it. then i'll look like i have a stub on my head again. boohoo. nvm. all in the name of a cooler experience during runs...

YAY so anyways, THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SENT ME BIRTHDAY WISHES AND ALL (: it's been a memorable birthday and i am dreading thinking about tmr (i.e. my "unbirthday", as mummy calls it) ESP pammiez and the hc cross ctry girls! thanks for the surprise! i was really surprised! :D and it was really fun (:

haha. cross country nationals are looming and i am dreading thinking about it. many reasons for this but i shan't go into detail. so.. i have come up with a list of things to look forward to after xctry nat'ls!
1. no more training!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
2. more discretionary time!
3. bike rides!
4. swims!
5. NO MORE workouts/salt/weights/etc YAY.
6. meeting sianying on the 30th!
7. more free slots to spend with potential study buddies!
8. no more training!!!!!!!! hallelujah.

:D i am actually very sian thinking about tmr but nvm i must enjoy..this day only comes once a year :D slack and be merry for tmr i die.

2008-04-03T22:28:00.002+08:00

today i feel annoyed. i think it's my weight, my weight annoys me a lot. and i really am very peeved at how i managed to put on weight over the past 4 days despite making a conscious effort to control. i don't know what it is that i'm eating that is making me so fat!?! roar. like maybe it was the extra cheese that landed in my spaghetti sauce (rah it was not nice :( ), or the super gross curry that popped up from nowhere on weds (usually weds lunch is salmon salad and instead i got gross fish curry with a thick layer of oil on the top that tasted so ew and fatty and oily). or maybe it was the rice on monday. or maybe it was oily egg yesterday. ok i sound looney.

boohoo i want to live in a cedele where i can eat my yummy salads and soups and breads all day without having to worry about oily buttery cheesy things. i can't stand them! they don't taste nice and they make me feel gross and ew. i am starting to hate meat. i don't mind fish, but chicken, beef, pork whatever, they always taste so fatty and bleagh. is there a name for non-meat eaters who only eat fish? :S vegefishitarian? ahha

stupid body is so sensitive to changes in diet. i was so happy with my wasa and salad in KL. plus my early dinners. then the moment i change a beet then i ballooon like a pig.

it's weird that i can see myself growing horizontally over such a short period of time even though i am really eating rather "normally" and not like stuffing my face or anything.

ho ho i am annoyed. i am also annoyed that i am stressing over cross which is in what. less than three weeks. doubt i'll even make the team, but in any case time trials/ workouts are hell stressful and i wish i could revert to leisure exercise where muscle glycogen levels and speed don't really matter.

MOOOOOOOOO. today we went to ikea and daddy got me a LUNS ahha. yay i can put my luns up on my wall and it will be so pretty but it still needs fixing up. i did something stupid during dinner at ikea..i put the tuna s'wich (with gladwrap and plastic packaging) into the microwave oven. cos the instructions next to the swich read "put in microwave oven and press 2". so that is exactly what i did. didn't bother to take off the plastic stuff, and when i took it out of the m-oven the plastic had melted. such a stupid thing to do. like oh my do i even have brains.

ok i don't knwo why i am so grumpy. yuck. GRUMPY ME. tmr will be a happier day. right? right.

uber long post

2008-04-01T18:47:00.002+08:00

yay! i haven't updated in quite a while.. so i guess it's time to update! lots of stuff has happened since BT1 ended..mostly great things! (: so today i am feeling happy (: yay. shall go in chronological order:

CLASS OUTING AT ECP

it was a blast! my virgin journey to ECP by bus, with the guidance of good ole lishan! there was a lot of waiting but it was cool cos i got to spend loadsa time talking to lishanshan hahaa.

when we finally arrived at ECP and got all the bikes rented, we went BIKING WHEE. brought back so many many many many many many many many many many (i cannot emphasize how many) memories. from brick sessions, to races, to back when the both of them were around. we biked from the bike shop all the way to somewhere near coastal road. some parts of the journey were a bit overwhelming and i could've sworn that i felt like i was gonna cry any moment. feeling the breeze on my face and pseudo drafting behind some of the other guys (hahah this was super fun), i couldn't help but remember the great times i had back then. biking past that very same spot where you stood just over a year ago, cheering for me as i finished the last hundred metres of the run segment of training, i could see you smiling back and waving... when we biked to the small road near coastal, i remembered how you would let me draft behind you, how i almost got hit by your blob of mucus when you blew your nose while biking, how you'd tease me about how dirty and rusty my bike chain was, your last words to me on the morning of the race.... so many many memories. all of which i am so thankful for. now i am slowly learning that it is possible to move on, to let go, and at the same time, to remember. to me, the only way to do that is to desensitize yourself. keep tracing your fingers over the wounds until they feel numb. it is possible. afterall, you always believed that nothing is impossible. i will always remember how you lived- with courage, with passion, with a big smile on your face, no matter what. even though it hurts so much when i remember things in such great detail, when i remember how suddenly you left, when i see how much your family is hurting and i am unable to do anything to ease their pain, i must still move on, because that chapter of my life has ended. (even though i do wish i could continue living in the memories of the past) it is not my battle to fight, THIS is.

okay enough about that. uh. class outing! yes! told chonglin about drafting ahha and he spread the message and we had a good 6-7 people pelaton for a bit. was great fun, feeling like i was "flying" again. been so many months since i last felt that. made me realise that i do miss triathlon a lot (: hm, we took cool photos by the jetty and kaiyao and leon were the most fantabulous photographers, capturing every exciting moment of the experience. was a really great feeling, to feel so carefree, so happy... will never forget that feeling (: 07s68 is the best class i could ever ask for (:

ASTHMA ATTACK AT BEDOK RESERVOIR

hahah i don't know why i'm documenting this but it was a "major" thing that happened last week so i guess uh.. that's why? it was really scary for me. i mean, i've had worse attacks where i can't recover as fast as i did, but for those minutes (?) when i was on the ground gasping for breath and crying and feeling like i was going to die or something, it was so scary. haven't had such a bad attack in ages.... thank goodness the coaches managed to get me my inhaler and administer a few doses before i like blacked out or something. heh. still. very scary. brought back memories of my near heat stroke last year, and of my bad asthma attack in 06 at bishan stad, and of my collapse in subic. not very pleasant memories as you can guess..haha. yes, my triathlon years have been tainted with these "near-death" experiences. i prob sound like a masochist when i say this, but i quite missed that feeling. the feeling when i cross the finish line, feeling like i've given every last ounce of myself to the race and like i've done my BEST. like i've pushed beyond any previously imaginable limit. like i've lost control. i guess it's this feeling that many endurance athletes crave for..... (: gosh i really miss doing tris. haha. but if i even attempt one in my current state i prob won't enjoy it as much :D

KL TRIP!

was pretty tiring and stuff but those feelings were negated by all the FUN i had. the team is hella funny and like 7 hrs in a bus with crazy fellas like tommytham is really very entertaining. "laoda" is SUPER COOL :D he's such a great coach. haha though i'm not as close to him as i am to wjl, but i've learnt so much from him. ooh and we got to go shopping at times sq. sam, joshua and i got identical TRANSFORMER TEES :D yay. we need a pic of us in the tees man. the race was phenomenal. totally unexpected result for me. reaffirmed my passion for tri. ahha. i was trying to imagine myself doing the last leg of a tri when i was running. hahah cos i was craving for that feeling. lol. spent quality time with the j2 girls team (: sam, zak, delphine, cheryl: you guys roxorz! once again travelling via bus to msia reminded me of prev afamosa and port dickson tris. (i prob sound obsessed since everything mentioned in this post seems to remind me of tri, but it's true!) took the car back with mummy daddy and prissy. ahha was quite fun. what wasn't fun was that i lost a lot of time and didn't do a lot of homework! so now i'm like rushing to catch up..

TODAY

physics results were satisfying.. could've done better, but hey! there was improvement. so i'm glad. and physics lesson today was really fun cos mr low was trying out some new pedagogical methods that seem really effective and refreshing. physics is fun! yay. hahaha.
on the way home from training, i bumped into an old friend. haven't seen him since like sec3 or something. was realllllllyyyyy weird cos like gosh he sounds so different and like wow. now he lives near school. ahha. was weird. seriously. but great! it's nice to meet people you haven't seen in forever. sometimes i think that there are people up in the skies controlling this sort of thing. like exactly when 2 peoples' paths cross or when you experience ups and downs. oh yay and wanjoo is popping by in like an hour!!!!!!!!! zomg i haven't seen her since last yr. ahha. ! ok today is a great day.

2008-03-23T01:51:00.002+08:00

it's 1.52am and i have been studying since 9.45pm straight (with the exception of ONE toilet break l.o.l.)

i am wide awake and i want to give the inventor/s of caffeine a big hug

i am surprisingly emotionally stable but that scares me cos it means that either a) i have actually finally let go or b) i am going to have a very bad breakdown on monday or c) those past months of torture were strictly self-induced and based on one (possibly stupid) assumptions

i feel like doing more work but i'm scared that my internal energy will decrease by too large a value assuming that Q is being RELEASED when mugging and work is being done BY me (i love physics... hahah i can't tell if that's cos i'm drugged with caffeine...)

today i could finally run without feeling like i was gonna drop dead from a heart attack or go unconscious from a restricted windpipe. all hail modern medicine and the amazing heavens.

dooodeeedaaa ok now i'm a bit scared for myself. haha. spongebob squarepants is the bomb.

OK BACK TO WORK. zzz. caffeine is a miracle drug. xoxoxoxoxo.

2008-03-20T21:36:00.002+08:00

now i'm really scaredd :( haven't had this sort of pain for sucha long period of time before. shouldn't be saying this, but maybe i'm going to die soon..........mugging hasn't been productive cos this pain's been distracting me. and also cos i really don't want to die knowing my last moments were spent stressing over tests :( i'm really quite scared .. sighhhh.

2008-03-20T17:25:00.002+08:00

hate feeling like i can't breathe and like my heart's gonna explode. don't even know what's causing it. if it's just some stupid muscle strain or arghhhhh.

:(

2008-03-19T12:45:00.003+08:00

feel really drained from the intensive mugging. mugged for 7 straight hours yestd.. which prob explains why i'm so tired now. papers were (*#$&#*& but it's okay there is still a long way to go. phys next.. must rest and recharge then go drown myself in work.

hah there are some things we should just not know about. seriously, somethings are better left unsaid/unheard/unread. maybe my dream was trying to tell me something... the truth? which really sucks cos that's the next worse thing to .... ....... . then i'm going to get all angry and distracted thinking about it. ugh. emotional rollercoaster.

zzzz. crap i really shouldn't have ..UGH. :(

[edit]

i am such a big loser i have been sitting around in my rm doing weird things like retrying the math paper and realising how stupidity is directly proportional to the square of current stress levels. it's really quiet at home and prissy's not home so i have nobody to talk to. cept myself... hahhhh. i'm tired and anxious and angry and stressed and upset and feeling guilty for feeing angry and upset and ..mrhhh. aghh now my thoughts are killing me. i think talking to myself really drives me mad..... crappp. on the brighter side, the time for what is supposed to happen is approaching. it sucks not to know the exact date, all i can do is hope it happens. and if it doesn't then i'll just be mega sad and roar i am rambling. so lonely at home :( supp to go out and exercise but i feel so lousy now. all because of THATTT stupid lousy thing. huhhh it shouldn't be that way....... i shouldn't think that way.. but then again don't i have a right to feel saddd. zzzzz. it's like .. akldfsjalkjroiewuoijgkasjdf ok yes some things shouldn't be said. i'm scared i'll break down at the wrong time. and i'm not supp to talk about it cos it seems like i'm not entitled to think that way. :( it just tears me apart that everything that was so real to me may never have been real in the first place.

i probably sound like a crazy fool to people who are reading this. haha. that's cos i am one. SDJFLSKJWERJDFJ. i need to learn how to be happy. despite everything that's going on. i need to learn to be happy happy happy...

[/edit]

2008-03-17T16:08:00.002+08:00

I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found I could fly
Well I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing cos I know how it feels to be free

nice song from eric's blog. ! .

still find my self feeling like i'm suffocating. haha as in literally. guess i gotta get used to it....had a disturbing dream again last night. it's strange, i used to forget my dreams the moment i awake, but recently i seem to remember every (painful) detail of them..

having a sedentary mugging lifestyle whereby i just sit on my butt the whole day is really gross cos i just grow fat and feel sluggish.

2008-03-13T12:34:00.002+08:00

things that are causing me to be very unhappy:

my ear hurts like mad
another bad run this morning
there is so much more to study
i feel giddy and icky and tired
my asthma is back and i can't tell if it's self-induced so i don't know if i'll end up unconscious again if i push through the pain (might not be a bad thing)
i am really (x10000) sick of xctry training and my performance is disgustingly disgracefully lousy

things that i should be happy about:

i will be free from training in a matter of weeks!
blocks will be over soon
i have a wonderful family

ok my asthma is annoying me and i feel like i can't breathe properly again. i really don't recognise myself anymore.

2008-03-05T21:14:00.002+08:00

felt so guilty today... sometimes i really wonder why i do such stupid things. but i'm glad it's okay now.. sigh. i am so grateful for her understanding.

my body is really annoying me. wish penny was here for me to moan and complain about this to :( i love her vacuum cleaner.

recently had a bad dream. guess i can't always have dreams about buffets. ...sigh the dream was so scary. and sad. and ......even now, it hurts to remember. am wondering if i should accept the invitation. will it make me feel worse? or is it something i need to do?..

blocks are like THIS near. anxiety is kicking in and i can feel myself getting more stupid again. traffic lights on my face are out again.

AHH. there's SERIOUSLY got to be more to life than all this... must remain optimistic and futuristic.

go me..

dreams

2008-02-29T21:44:00.000+08:00

the new house down the road looks so beautiful.. couldn't help but peer in while walking out/ walking back in. there's an intimidating security cam at the gate so i didn't dare stare for too long.. but it's really very pretty. it looks like my dream houseee. so nice.

ah i want to have a house like that by the beach. not an east coast park-ish beach but a REAL beach. with a great sunrise and sunset and white, soft sand, and seashells to pick and clear waters to swim in..

then every morning i can wake up and go for a nice long run by the beach then jump into the cool, refreshing water and swimmmm. wheee.

oh oh i recently had this really interesting dream. i was in some other country at some hotel or other. and there was this enormous buffet with a lot a lot a lot of food! i don't remember much of the food, cos i spent most of my time AT THE TEA TABLE. yes, there was this counter with like hundreds of tea bags of many different flavours. looked so yummy.. haha it was quite an amusing dream cos i spent all my time at the tea counter trying to find green tea. but in the end i couldn't find it! haha but the buffet spread was really to die for.

something to add to my list of things to do in the future:
exercise for like many many many hours then go eat a giant buffet- guilt free!

haha i think eating guilt free is prob one of the best feelings in the world.

am drowning in my work and feeling crappy about training but it's okay because there are bigger things to look forward to (or at least i am trying to tell myself so). like my dreaaammm houseeee. yayeee. must work hard so i can earn money to live in such a house.

2008-02-24T00:18:00.000+08:00

quite relieved and happy today :) like FINALLY, things are starting to get better. i know you were there, running beside me the whole way, cheering me on and giving me strength. been a while since i last felt your presence. many thanks to the guys and all for cheering.. haha somehow mrram knew exactly what to say to keep me from dying out. not like i was the fastest or anything, but i am so glad i am finally seeing improvementtt. and to me, that is really a lot more than i could ask for. daddy rocksss. the other girls did well too! yay.

i love the sports school track and the field. very nice to run on. the school is huge.

super need to mug more.

daddy bought me a new pair of running shoes yestd (: same model as my prev pair which seems to have died after absorbing all the shock from the macritchie terrain. it's green! so pretty.

zipped down to JTS after the run with tommy and louisa, who both claimed that taking the train would've been faster than my dad's driving. lol. oh well... played a round of pool with cindy, cheryl, evelyn, ruyi and andy. haha. quite interesting... andy is very pro at pool.

i really really wish there was something i could do.. so that they don't have to go through what they're going through now.

NOTE TO SELF: please study harder and be a happier person and sleep earlier.

2008-02-22T23:09:00.000+08:00

i feel like a ticking bomb, about to explode any minute. my moods are so unpredictable nowadays. well the only thing constant is that i feel horrible, but the degree to which i feel it seems to vary. one moment i think i'm "recovering", and the next i feel like my face is flat down on the ground again.

am very overwhelmed by everything. i really want to quit. but what will i do in place of it? plus my schoolwork is lagging like crap. i am very worried and stressed and it makes me unable to sleep at night. it seems so senseless to worry so much about an exam. and it's not a teensy bit of anxiety, it is like .. heaps and mountains of stress and unhappiness. for a better life in the future? is this supposed to be "small" compared to what is ahead? everyone seems to think that studying is like the best part of their lives..

been growing fatter again. i am annoyed at my body. i think it is too sensitive to small changes in calorie consumption. disgusting...

received a text message from a certain someone i haven't heard from for ages today. content of the message made me buy a copy of a certain mag. after spotting it in the supermarket, i quickly flipped through to look for the page. when i found it, saw the pictures, read the words, and i just froze. felt like someone had glued me to the ground. memories rushed back to me and i felt like an amnesia patient who'd just recovered (they usually go a bit mad from remembering right.. in movies at least...). whatever i feel, they must be feeling a gazillion times worse.. :( and that is unimaginable. don't know what to do what to say .. wish i could go over and spend some time with them. because over there, i know i'll be able to feel small bits of your presence.

zz. i should really go sleep. i need sleep. and maybe some pills for anxiety or something. think i'm going to breakdown if i keep going on like this.

2008-02-19T22:38:00.001+08:00

why does it always feel like you're fighting to take everything away from me
sometimes people need their own space you know? as much as you say you mean well, it feels like you are ripping my face- my very identity, off my skin. yes i know, ouch.

i should not care. but you are taking over my life. can't you just let me have the little i have left of it? you have so much already, can't you just be contented? and quit trying to snatch everything for yourself?

i want to say i am misreading all of this. but you keep doing it, over and over again. yes, you are a billion times better than me. okay? satisfied? does everything have to be a race to see who is the best??

i am sad and i wish i could disappear. life is crazy. studying is driving me nuts. i want to live by the road side and die of starvation. actually.. i would prefer to exercise until i drop dead.

i think being sleep deprived is not good for oneself.

2008-02-18T19:48:00.001+08:00

i am sooo tired :( been sleeping late for the past several days. late as in wee hours of the morning.. i repeat, i HATE racing. sigh.

just came home from training (and sort of pigged out.. since i have to wait till 2030h for dinner..sigh). i am so so so so so tired! :( almost died during training.

house is so empty without pam, penny and daddy. resident neighbour penny has gone off to perth..won't get to see her for the next 9mths. not used to the house being so empty.. miss daddy toooo. after sch xctry last week he brought me to shangri-la to buy chocs for the remaining females in the family (mummy, penny, prissy, me). he bought us chocs and a rose each last year too (: ahh. i love my family a lot.. sigh.

mummy brought terry, prissy and i to aunty ban hong's house for the annual cny reunion dinner. fewer people turned up this year.. everyone seems to have disappeared.. to some corner of the earth or other. anyway, got to talk to my cousins! :D we rarely meet so i don't know much about any of them.. talked to michelle! who is a teacher! haha. but she's on one year leave cos she just gave birth. and she tutors my niece and nephew! both of whom stay in her house. niece and nephew as in her sister-in-law's children. they all stay together in their really nice houseeee.

my niece and nephew (renee and ryan) are so sooooooo sooooooooo cute. they are the cutest kids i have ever met in my entire life. like seriously. cos usually when i meet kids they are so spoilt and they misbehave and everything. but renee are ryan are so well-mannered and adorable! they have these hamsters.. which they are always playing with whenever we go over. so cute... heh. i think watching innocent children play and laugh and run around, without a care in the world about life's gazillion problems is such a sweet sight. made me feel a bit happier... hahah renee put one of her hammies in this toy frying pan.. and put the frying pan on this toy stove. lol. and the hamster POOPED IN THE FRYING PAN. hahah. then she put the hammie in the toy microwave oven..and it POOPED IN THE OVEN TOO. hamsters + cute kids = super cute sight.

rahh. why can't everyone just remain like that forever and ever? the world would be a much happier place.

i am stuffed and fat and buffalo-like (according to tommy, i am a buffalo).

but i'm quite relieved i don't feel so depressed today. the past few days were so bad i don't even think i'd be able to put down how horrible i felt in words. i hope the next few days will be better..

oh yes. sianying gave me a sunflower for vday. it is so prettyyy (i love flowers a lot). thanks again sianying! it is sitting on my table staring at me. the petals are wilting though, which makes me a bit sad but it is still a pretty sunflower and i wish it would stop wilting and drying up :(

when it hurts so bad sometimes not having you here
i say,
tonight i've fallen and i can't get up
i need your loving hands to come and pick me up
and every night i miss you, i can just look up
and know the stars are holding you, holding you, holding you tonight.

hope you're happy, wherever you are..

2008-02-13T21:50:00.003+08:00

sigh. yet another sleepless night ahead... crap la my msn is not workingg. i keep on getting signed out :(

i don't know what to do. i am an embarrassment to myself. i can choose to look at the positive side of things but the negative side is too glaring to ignore.

whatever i worked so hard to achieve last year seems to have washed away into the drain, as if it never even happened. it's just so painful.. why can't i feel like it amounted to SOMETHING. instead i feel nothing but disadvantaged, worthless, inadequate and just plain lousy. i'll always be "THAT ONE" who almost but never quite made it.

i don't even know what i want. if you knew what my last remaining reason for training was you'd probably call me disturbed and weak. which i probably am.

but what is training and racing anyway? at the end of the day i still need my A level results. but i really need something BEYOND A levels to work towards. years of dreaming about doing the country proud don't do much good when recent episodes have caused me to totally dissociate myself from it.

maybe the bigger problem is that these things that are screwing my races up are reflective of how i handle life in general. be it studying or whatever. just that losing in life is going to cost me a lot more than just my self-esteem and sleep...

i'm sick of crying and feeling so horrid...
woah i honestly just want to bang my head on the wall till i bleed to death or something.

LIFE IS STUPIDDDDD. sigh.

2008-02-09T22:17:00.000+08:00

i'm super sleepy now...

cny has been a little too hectic for my liking so far...

weight gain was inevitable but i think i offset it almost completely with the runs. though i feel fatter cos of all the high fat content food i've been been eating.. i ate prata for the first time in a few years (i kid you not) on weds at the buffet. buffets are horrible monsters btw. i also tried some LAKSAAAA. and pineapple tarts. and love letters. i think that cost me 1 month of my life. haha. but the length of my life doesn't concern me. it's more of the effect it'll have on my appearance and performance.

speaking of performance... i have come to the conclusion that i hate running competitions. as in running on it's own without swimming or biking. so things like x-ctry or track would come under that category. i DETEST IT. like mad. it makes me want to bang my head on the wall and cry. i mean.. too much speed work and fast twitch required. i need my long runs. my low-intensity-sustained-for-hours kind of exercise. thinking back, i cannot even comprehend why i enjoyed xctry and mid d track back in pri sch and lower sec. or maybe i'm just spoiled by the joy of triathlon (:

yah. but i HATE SPEED WORK. yuck.

family is shrinking...FAST. Pam left on an A380 (with special access to a VIP buffet in the first class lounge?! iamsojealous) yesterday. Pence is leaving next week. sighz. so sad. so very very sad. Terry is so caught up in work and his "CCA" that i rarely see him around anymore. even though we live in the same house.

went to watch RAMBO 4 with the family today. it was. so. so. so. gruesome. like OMGpleasedontwatchunlessyouaremad kind of gruesome. luckily i had my file with me so i was able to shield my eyes from the super gross images. think i spent a third of the film with my face covered. educational yes but .. my eyes aint strong enough for these things. glad daddy and mummy and penny seemed to enjoy it.

mini gathering with fangfish, qing, dee and qianling was so great. ahhhh. i miss them so much :( hahaha qing asked if we SANG THE NATL ANTHEM IN CHINESE. HAHAHAA. aye i miss them a lot... but dee said we can study date in the future! so yay for that. was reminded of the stupid things i did in sec sch.. lol. too embarassing to mention here. too bad sian and joops couldn't make it :( thanks to qing's advice i think i'm gonna start "dating" lipsey and sloman.

SO MANY TESTS NEXT WEEK. i am tired and i need new brains. because i am a futuristic person, i have thought of 3 things i want to do before i am 25:

1. train for and complete a full ironman in a decent timing (and in the process losing tonnes of weight yay)
2. find purpose in life
3. find a job i love and enjoy and earn decent money (so i can live in my dream house before i'm 30)

hopefully these 3 things shall keep me going.......

i really cannot wait for xctry to be over..... :(

TIME TO SLEEP. note to self: WORK FASTER YOU ARE A SLOW POKE.

2008-02-05T22:04:00.000+08:00

i am a fat pig

i miss wjl a lot :(

i am a fat pig

i am a fat pig

i am a fat pig

i miss wjl a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot :(

i am still a fat pig

sigh. i'm so lost lost lost lost lost i dunno i want my old life back but i know i can't have it back so too bad for me i will just sit here and cry like an idiot. i want things back the way they used to beeeee.

i really miss herrrr :( she promised she would keep in contact.. she promisedddd. sigh. so lost. making me so unhappy :(

2008-02-03T19:55:00.000+08:00

feel like i've lost it. maybe i've been schizo for the last 1 year and my alter ego just died. along with my ability to train and race properly.

it's not even a question of not trying hard enough anymore. i just feel like i've lost the ability to do it. or maybe my fairy godmother who gave me that ability took it back cos i've been such an idiot.

i say i can't cos i know i can't.

i feel numb.

everything's just screwing up and i'm to blame for it all. i cannot do this anymoreeeee. it's no use pretending.

2008-02-02T00:29:00.000+08:00

STJJJJJ today. was quite funnn. haha. can't believe it's been one whole year since the last STJ. i was sitting at the very same seat! ahha. the jnr class is out of this world... but aran is leavingggggg :( was nice spending outside classroom time with classmates... :)

oh oh my mortal found out who i am :( apparently EMAIN gave it away?!?! haha. oh wells. was quite fun but i've been so busy i haven't been replying.

i think spending time with people is quite meaningful. i may sound a bit crazed when i say this but i really treasure class outings and cross outings (ok i don't think i participate in any other form of outings). it's nice to forget about everything else for awhile, and just enjoy each others company. maybe it's cos i'm so used to being alone a lot of the time..

lalala i am digging my own grave at the rate i am going...

people let go without you even knowing it. by the time you realise it it's too late to call them back. and you're left with no choice but to accept that things will never be the way they used to..

2008-01-30T20:26:00.000+08:00

am having a crappy week.

been feeling so lethargic and so so so tired lately. i don't even know why. it's annoying.. feeling so drained and unable to finish things i am supposed to.

back to the part of the "emo cycle" whereby i feel that everything i'm doing is so meaningless. like lishan said "we all need a purpose in life". have yet to find mine. after finishing the MOE survey i really wonder what on earth i will be doing during my working years. nothing seems to excite me. there was a point in time where "landscape management" sounded super fun, but after hearing how low my CEP will be and how unorthodox and risky and whatever it is, i don't think i would want to pursue such a job interest. maybe i'll end up being a homeless bum... living in a cardboard box by the roadside and begging for money.

i hate myself for being me. like.. why am i like this? why aren't i that much better.. why is it that a lot of the things i do seem to be so selfish and wrong and just.. horrible.

i used to have this unbelievable resolve. but it disappeared along with a lot of other things and i guess i never got it back. what exactly am i supposed to be working towards? good A level results? then what? more years of slogging for some kind of degree? then?

it's amazing how one can just live life like this.. with no real purpose.

agh. what am i doingggg...

2008-01-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

i hate it when people leave me. it's scary but it's inevitable. not too long before they'll all be gone.
feels weird to rely on the strength of memories.

more than 6 months on.. and death still continues to puzzle me. it just doesn't make sense to be alive one moment and not the next.

i must remember to be thankful for all i have. even on my crappiest day, i am still a lot more fortunate than a gazillion other people out there.

learn to live and let live... life is always good.

adventures at macritchie

2008-01-24T23:33:00.000+08:00

my toenail is hanging precariously from my toe by a small piece of flesh
i am sick :( came home to find that i had a fever of 37.7deg. plus all the green phlegm and the sore throat
strangely enough i feel better after the numerous pills popped (that was quite a fast recovery?)
i think drinking milk makes me grow sideways
i have a headache
i was feeling quite happy just now (because ignorance is bliss)
now i feel a bit crappy.. i think it's the headache.

i'm worried and scared about A levels. (this is not going to go away for another year)

just now at mac there was a this perv who apparently was oogling at ---- girls in the northern route forest. he got reprimanded by the coach and got awfully pissed he started making quite a big scene at the cafe. drips and draps of his monologue are as follows: (everyone was not very interested in listening..lol. shijun was like "wo ting ta jiang hua hen d- l--")

"i was just looking at the girls..what's wrong with looking at girls!? cannot look at girls ah?"
"an old lady even told me that my eyes are meant for looking at girls!" (boy, i hope this wasn't his wife)

haha ok i can't rmb the rest. but he sounded so pervy that i was too scared to cross the road alone.. fearful that i might meet him along the way. so i waited (super long) for the guys to change... true enough! he was standing in the carpark monologue-ing to some other fella. nehh i'm scared to run in the forest already......... aiyoh. must train harder so i can outrun any pervs i meet...

while crossing the overhead bridge shijun recounted how he played this game whereby you wait for the road below to be clear of any cars, then cross the bridge and joyously exclaim "wo mei you bei che zhuang dao!" ROTFL. then kaiming told us of how samuel and him used to stand on the bridge and wait for motorcyclists to pass, SQUIRTING WATER from their bottles at them when they drove pass. lol. hc xctry boys are ... insanely amusing.

ok some irritating thing is making me emo..i don't know what it is.. but i'm getting quite upset now. maybe that means it's time to sleep.

living a nightmare

2008-01-13T21:45:00.000+08:00

this week's been horrible. sure, there were some good moments- like when i got to take a nap on saturday, or when i found my cell phone lying on the road outside our school gate (heng ah..didn't get stolen. that makes me 3 times lucky. which is worrying...), but other than that, it's been pretty much homework, classes, stress, training, stress, aching, stress, sleeping (too little), eating (too much). i realise that when ur stressed you lose track of a lot of things. and become a hell of a lot dumber... really. i think i need muscle relaxants and sedatives.

i am too full again. i hate the meal schedule at home and it makes me very unhappy.

so much work. i am absolutely horrified. this is worse than i could've ever imagined. week 3 is starting and i'm like ohmygawd please save me from this hell...

getting my usual anxiety dreams of being lost and all that again. hahah. i always get lost at the same places. but still it's very scary...

stomach hurts. i'm quite pissed that i'm so fat. and i miss swimming.. and wjl. where is she :( ROAR. RANT RANT RANT. omg please let me not feel so miserable next week... -crosses fingers. sigh.

2008-01-09T20:16:00.000+08:00

school sucks life sucks training sucks.

sigh. i suppose that's why i'm blogging despite all the nasty homework that is due..

i've been mugging like nuts. reading up beforehand, trying to finish all my work on time. but despite that, i still find myself lagging behind everyone else.

i think stress makes me more stupid. because i really cannot think straight anymore (as compared to in the hols). i take twice as long to understand things, and forget them twice as easily.

all this anxiety may be unecessary but i can't help it. i can't sleep at night cos i'm so busy worrying that i've forgotten something very important, that i haven't finished a piece of homework which will indirectly cause the demise of my A level grades.

school's already such a handful, what more training. sometimes when you don't want to remember things you want to cut them off completely from your life, not half here and half gone. you can never help comparing the present with the past- weight, speed, mileage, musculature.. it never ends.

it's only the second week of school and i'm already on the verge of a breakdown. i know this means that i'm weak.. yet again i am failing to survive. but sometimes, you really don't want to.

thnks fr th mmrs

2007-12-26T22:56:00.000+08:00

back from Chyna!
i think i'm on the verge of losing my voice.. maybe it's cos i don't usually talk so much. so when we had GIANTdinner that got me talking, i sort of went over my word quota and that is prolly what is causing me to sound like a hoarse horse.

zhongguo was cool. both literally and figuratively. some days it got so cold that three layers still had me shivering and going delusional. shopping was ohmytian. too bad most of the stuff they sold was all WINTERWEAR :( the streets were dirty. very very dirty. the food was oily. very very oily. the air was POLLUTED. affected my respiratory tract :( but despite all that i still had a ball of a time!

been so SO long since we've spent so much time together as a family.. too bad terry was slogging it out at home :( will never forget the super funny moments. top 6 moments off the top of my head (in no particular order):

1. playing TAG! in the something-xiu gardens with pence and pam. chasing each other up the hills and down the straights. singing the BATMAN themesong while running and laughing like mad. hopping down the hill like the merry characters from the wizard of oz hopping down the yellow brick road

2. gift exchange on xmas night! with all the funny moments like when mao's picture fell onto the ground (!!!) when dadster was reciting a quote from his little red book.

3. chi chi food at the SHANG-shang on xmas eve. the carolling! cute kids! DAMN NICE pool and ambience.. using the gym toilet with showers that give off minty aromas. hahaha.

4. truth or truth within the sister circle where we sabo-ed pence and got to witness her BREAK THE ROOM DOOR FRAME while trying to escape. ROTFL.

5. teasing pence about her eating her CHAPSTICK, sucking on her RETAINERS and swallowing her words. hahaha.

6. when the housekeeping lady addressed me as "SIR" over the phone -.-" yet another person who has mistaken me for a guy. back in '99 the restaurant waiter in the US addressed me as YOUNG MAN. and in '05 in darwin, the cab driver recommended that maomi brought her SON to the crocodile farm. (there were only the 2 passengers in the cab).

howeverrrr...i'm quite sad i missed out on the snr-jnr class partayyee at shawn's hse. and the tri xmas party at aunty angie's :( oh wells, can't have everything now can we.

die luh, time trial on FRIDAY. ultramarathon on SUNDAY. while here i am sitting on my chair feeling like a blob of fat. still feel like i'm moving up and down.. daddy says it's my ears. tut-tut.

HOMEWORK! :( school is starting soon. my throat hurts. my face is all blotchy again.ah well, at least the air is fresh!

time to HUSSLE UP!

tommy's quotes 101

2007-12-12T22:34:00.000+08:00

hahaha. despite the neverending name-calling (from englishman to MAN to waterbuffalo and much more), tommy can be very smart sometimes hahahaha. he edited this quote which was originally by the famous STEVE PRE! (loud cheers)

the original quote:
"How does a kid from Coos Bay, with one leg longer than the other win races? All my life people have been telling me, 'You're too small Pre', 'You're not fast enough Pre.' 'Give up your foolish dream Steve.' But they forgot something. I HAVE to win"

the tommy version:
How does a kid from Holland V, with fat genes win races? All my life people have been telling me, 'You're too fat Pat', 'You're not fast enough Pat.' 'Give up your foolish dream Pat.' But they forgot something. I HAVE to win"

ahahha. was sent into stitches of laughter when i read that. everything is so true except for the last 2 sentences. which can be MADE true if i want to.. only. if i want to.

oh well. been earning a lot of stars from youknowwho for my disgusting race and disgusting fats.

but anyway COHESION DAY WAS THE BOMB. ahhaha. i was taught . a lot. and NC16 movies are NOT for me. omg why why why do people like such images?! but yeah, it was still the bomb and the team is damn funny and nice hahaha. swam in the "sea" with my clothes! (as compared to the usual swimming costume...) haha and sam delphine and i swam over to the little island that was like 50m away? ahha and got stung by a lot of sea bugs! vivo city is super big and i got to see the black chinup man who swings .. aiyoh a lot of things to say but no time.

HOMEWORK. SCHOOL. OMG.

har. har. har. hell awaits...

2007-12-07T15:29:00.000+08:00

have developed a terribly disgustingly huge appetite for food over the past week. am at my prime now where i am wolloping down any thing in sight. growing fat and wondering how i'm going to lose it in time for my next encounter with the mirror or the outside world.

pimples are oozing out of my face yet again. i do hope it's just the shampoo (old one ran out). grosssss.

had a damn shiok run at macr. yestd. just like the good old days, cept that i couldn't hear jl's breathing and cheers and reminders to maintain my running form. after finishing my run i felt dead beat. haha. which is a pretty nice feeling. i mean after the run and all.. speaking of which.. i miss jl tonnes and i still haven't heard from her :( which makes me sad and scared and worried.

i hope this hunger thing passes soon so that i can stop growing horizontally. we're leaving for china in just over a week! i rather dislike flights and travelling now. they remind me of things i don't want to remember. and holidays always mean an increase in the reading on the scale so oh crap i shall attempt to break a personal record and lose weight while we're over there. no soft ground over there too! neh. maybe we'll go shopping all day and i'll burn something from that.

i feel so retarded right now.. an incredibly horrible feeling that next year (which is a mere 24 days away) will be very unpleasant has settled itself in the back of my head.

goodness gracious me ..

oh oh! CROSS COHESION DAY on monday. hahaha. i wonder why they named it "cohesion day". and why kaiming calls the "wet weather plan" a "wet day plan". ahha. interesting use of vocab at training.

too much that time cannot erase

2007-12-05T21:34:00.000+08:00

people say that time heals all wounds..

that's pretty much true. till you REMEMBER.

goddamnit .. till you remember. things you don't want to remember. in great detail.

some wounds just won't heal.

senseless banter

2007-12-05T16:16:00.000+08:00

i was so prepared to go for training at 4pm. but it's 4.18pm and i'm sitting at home cos it's STILL raining. been raining since 10am. boo. so now that i'm not going to be running i have to remember not to eat. being fat is a PAIN :(

now there's another race on sunday :( think i'm gonna take it as training cos i'm still pretty worn down from the race last sunday. ladeeda so since there is a race on sunday i have to resched tuition to thurs which means i can't do double sesh on thurs which means maybe i should do double sesh on fri! but that means i have to resched tuition on fri! see how lastmin changes totally ruin plans :(

i'm trying to do the AQ in I&I vol2 but i think i'm a caveman cos i really lack the GK to answer the question! so lazy me decided to search the net for some clues... which made me realise that singapore's education is way more contreversial than is publicised. like even though the govt ultimately decides what and how it shld be ... it seems to me like not many people are very happy with it. and nobody really thinks it's that effective? citing the Scottish system as being very effective cos they produce more nobel laureates than any other country. then again WHAT IS THE AIM OF EDUCATION? haha. i'm going to sound like a hopeless ranting confused teen if i write my AQ in this state of mind.

woah i wish i could acquire knowledge FAST. like, insert a cartridge into my brain and then it'll all be there. (been playing too much gameboy.. lol) sounds a bit matrix-esque though... haha perhaps technology should advance to a level where education will be come unecessary (:

note to self

2007-12-04T22:48:00.000+08:00

you've been left behind.
face it, accept it, and suck it in.

NOW.

2007-12-03T21:30:00.000+08:00

life is like a train. a train that just keeps on going, and going, and going... you really don't know who's up front, steering. or where you're headed. you can only guess, and try to prepare yourself for what's to come when you get off.

you meet people in the carriage you're in. spend time together with them, getting to know them.. thinking they'll be there forever. with you till the very end. you go through thick and thin with them, learn to trust them. and sooner or later you feel like you can't live without them.

but the truth is you never know when they'll leave. or when you'll leave, for that matter. to get onto a different train, headed for a different place.

so what do you do when you get left behind? standing on a platform, trains whizzing by you in opposite directions. time stands still for you, even if everyone else is moving. people you thought you could fall back on, sights and sounds you thought you were so accustomed to- all gone.

that's part of life too, i guess. thrown into darkness, left to crawl your way out.

it's dec alrd. kinda freaky... less than a month to school. then ohcrap it's a levels. haha not so much a levels but the hell that you have to walk through to get there...

ahhh. scary. so scary.

i feel like some mega weakling. the time my body takes to recover has lengthened by so much that it is getting worrying and frustrating. eegad.

2007-12-02T14:34:00.000+08:00

i'm aching and sleepy.

haha today was really cool. feel so fortunate to be part of such a fun(ny) and close-knitted team.. amazing people... waaaaayyyy cooooollll.

woah i'm super sleepy.

wish i had a way to contact her right now.. tell her about my run and hear her encouraging words. she promised she would give me her phone no. and email add when she got there but she left last thurs and i still haven't heard from her. sigh. guess i'll just have to talk to the (super huge larger than life) soft toy she gave me instead :P i hope i hear from her soon... i don't want to never be able to talk to her again! that's just way too scary.

nehhh i'm sleepy!

eight random points

2007-11-30T23:12:00.000+08:00

one.
da paolo gastronomia is da bomb.
costs a bomb, tastes like heaven.
esp the ciabatta bread and the ~~yummy low fat muesli cookies~~ (ate too much of that today..)

two.
GA401 is sooooo EW. WHAT HAPPENED, shonda rhimes :( like wth man!

three.
too much of a good thing is def a bad thing. e.g. FOOD.
too much of a bad thing is still a bad thing. e.g. FOOD.

four.
my eyesight is going down the drain. can hardly read signs nowadays. must be all the sidereel.com-whoring.

five.
the xctry guys are mad..... like. madMADMADMADMAD. must be the testosterone. look at the girls... wer're all so sane (insert sane and intelligent face here).

six.
STANCHART ON SUNDAY. die die die. i'm gonna get maimed by the crowd. not used to it. i think i'm going to end up doing a slower time than i would in an OD. seriously. i'm just not used to it. besides, i'm horribly out of shape. i'd rather swim and bike first though. ahha. then i won't feel so bad if i run slowly. there's still this nagging fear though... that i'll collapse at the finish line and have some sort of episode again. haha..maybe i'm too used to crossing the finish line feeling like that. aye...the thought of it scares me. we're even running through the marina south area............... yeah only i know what that means.

seven.
i miss her a lot :( haven't spoken to her for almost two weeks. it's just hard .. knowing that i'm not going to see her for a gazillion years, and possibly never again. although i swear when i have the money and freedom, i'm going to visit her. need her reassurance that i'll be okay..

eight.
i FINALLY sort of understand the potentiometer. like ZOMG. it's always been so foreign to me so now that i'm nearing enlightenment i am very much happier (: yi bu yi bu lai. still got a lot to learn. i sound like a retard haha. better clear up my doubts before school reopens! NOT MUCH TIME LEFT!

2007-11-22T20:15:00.000+08:00

i'll always be a disappointment

a second of optimism.

2007-11-17T20:00:00.000+08:00

i want to paint a beautiful picture of the future.
new dreams to chase, new aspirations to become.

but you can only move forward if you stop looking back.

mummy's coming home soon! miss her a lot. despite the nagging and everything. heh. miss penny's trashy magz and archie comics supply. miss pam's loud voice at the dinner table (but not the gruesome tales..).

the pillars have collapsed, the ceiling's caving in. but i have to survive this. or i'll just be crushed under all the cement. please give me the strength to press on...

i have to do this. i have to do this. i have to do this. i have to do this. i have to do this. i have to do this. i have to do this. i have to do this. i have to do this. i have to do this. i have to do this. i have to do this.

finger spasms of incoherence

2007-11-14T21:37:00.000+08:00

family has shrunk to record low size. current number at dinner table: 3.

pam- in tamworth, down under

pence- in rockhampton, down under

mummy- in ontario, canada

prissy- in school for some camp

if sometime-brother hadn't come back for dinner it would've been 2. the house is too quiet. when it's so quiet like this i start to lose my head. esp when i'm locked up in my room for 20hrs of the day (they other 4 hrs are spent either at macritchie or turf city). i think if i was put in jail i would go mad ..

i feel like all the energy and willpower's been drained out from my body. like i'm just going through the motion of things for the sake of it. my mind's hardly with me when i'm at training or doing work. it's scary.. feeling like i'll never get any of it back.

all these expectations people have of you, because of what you were... you feel so afraid to let them know that the truth is that you no longer have that same ability, no longer want the same things. people aren't concerned with what happened in between, but rather with the end result you produce.

it's not a nice feeling when someone tramples all over you and tells you that your achievements are worthless. and the reason he thinks this is so absurd. but there's nothing i can do... i'm just bursting to tell everyone that i quit.

when people keep leaving me like that i can only feel terrified. terrified that i'll never see them again. because i've become so dependent on them.. i need them. and i'm not ready to take flight on my own.

if they leave, i might lose them forever.
and i don't ever want to experience that all over again.

but there's nothing i can do to stop this from happening.

GTH.

2007-11-10T21:18:00.001+08:00

YOU MANIPULATIVE FREAK. I HOPE KARMA HITS YOU BAD.

you are inhuman.

2007-11-10T19:44:00.000+08:00

how can you lie like that.. have you no conscience?! do you not feel guilt? for ruining not just one person's life but also the others around her who depend on her?

it's a bit too much to take in now. if she leaves.. i'll never forgive you. perhaps i haven't taken in the full blown effect of it yet, because i'm hoping that the truth will come out and that you, the BIG FAT MONEY MINDED LIAR will be fired.

been feeling rather unwell lately. first the hayfever then the nausea. now i've put on like 2kg or something. in less than 2 days. no kidding. i'm pissed. a fat pat is an angry pat. the annoying thing is that i'm not even hungry.. i just keep on eating. ugh.

wahlao i'm really super angry. HOW THE HELL CAN YOU DO THIS!? if she leaves i may never want to go back to -------- again. will not want to see your smug face with a mouth full of lies...

PLEASE, don't let that happen.

hao ren mei you hao bao.

life is stupid and unfair and why on earth do people continue living?! it's a screwed up place with reality that sucks. what's so fun about that? or is everyone just blindly floating along. nothing is making sense...

nightmares and dreamscapes

2007-11-07T13:11:00.000+08:00

i hate nightmares, you know that? i hate waking up the next morning feeling upset and puzzled over something that didn't even happen. but the scary thing about nightmares is not "living" those moments in your sleep, but realising WHY you had such subconscious thoughts and WHY they chose to be revealed to you in that manner.

my latest nightmare made me realise that i haven't had a single pleasant dream for many many many months. i don't even rmbr what my last "happy" dream was about.

daddy once told me that we have dreams every night, just that sometimes we don't rmbr them. so those times we think we've had dreams are actually just instances where we rmbr what we dreamt about. in that case, why am i only rmbring stupid nightmares.

:(

got some nasty blisters from the run this morning.. they're like..blisters that are directly on top of the blisters i got on monday. so raw and painful. ugh i hate my wet, heavy, chunky shoes.

An excerpt from Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.

"You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent."

But wait, I said. Aren't you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

"Yes."

Well, how can you do that if you're detached?

"Ah. You're thinking, Mitch. But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it."

I'm lost.

"Take any emotion- love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions- if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them- you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afriad of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'"

i keep on telling myself that it's time.
time to let go.
time to start anew.
time to stand up.
but the truth is that i don't want it to be time. by letting go, by starting afresh, by agreeing to stand up, i'm acknowledging that the past is never coming back again.

perhaps i need something new to look forward to, to work towards. something that will give me drive, the kind of drive that had me waking up at 4am on weekdays to train on my own before school. why do i find myself feeling burnt out so easily nowadays? it's just not what i used to be.

oh crap i'm a walking mess.

back to where dreams started

2007-11-04T14:16:00.000+08:00

forgot to pump my bike tyres this morning so i ended up riding on semi-flat ones. not sure if it was my legs or the tyres that made me feel so utterly slow. zzz annoying.

took part in the osim corp tri yestd- MINI tri relay. did the swim leg (a very disappointing, unsatisfying, crowded 200m) representing the OSIM team. hahah Jina, Liying and I all did the swim leg for 3 diff OSIM teams. i think the run to transition was more tiring than the swim itself. however, i got groped, punched, kicked and many other things in the water.. it was a nice feeling. (oh wait, that sounds wrong). i mean... nice feeling to be "racing" (i put it in inverted commas cos this wasn't really much of a race lol). we got there a tad too early thanks to the pot so we pretty much sat around for 2 hrs talking. was nice to just sit by the sea and talk and listen and breathe in the fresh morning air. my favourite part of the whole (very short) race was when i ran up the transition bridge, passed Jina and heard her shout "SHIT YOU LA, PAT!" to me. hahahah. i thought it was really damn funny hahahaha. the race lasted almost 5 minutes i think. lol hahaha. i sound pathetic. was really nice to meet lotsa people i haven't seen for ages though- uncle rob :D, uncle nick, jerry, jon fong (liying pointed him out while he was racing and said, "ta gan ma bi zhe ge?!" lol). while Jina was recounting her taiwan race experience to me (well ok not the race but the trip) i was suddenly reminded of why i love going overseas for races so much. haha. really miss it. even though the last one was only a mere 6mths ago, still feels like it's been years.. guess it's cos so much has happened since then. in any case, if you asked me to race right now i'd probably pull my muscles starting off... rarrr i'm having a craving to raceeee. ahha but this craving isn't like any food craving, it can't be satisfied immediately. i foresee that it'll take more than a year to satisfy.. :(

today's penny's birthday. too bad we can't celebrate it with her cos she's somewhere in the outback hiding with the kangaroos and fixing them up with walkie talkies or sth. rahh really miss her :( miss pam too! our family is shrinking... sometime-brother is morphing into almost-never-brother. sian.

Tears in Heaven

2007-11-02T23:38:00.000+08:00

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
cause I know I dont belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
Ill find my way through night and day
cause I know I just cant stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please...begging please

Beyond the door theres peace Im sure
And I know therell be no more tears in heaven...

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
cause I know I dont belong here in heaven...

very nice, meaningful song. heard on the radio that Clapton wrote it for his 4 yr old son who passed away when he fell out of the window or something.

"Ghost Whisperer" is creepy and everytime i watch it it makes my hair stand. makes me wonder where the dead go to, and whether they really hang around before "crossing over".

part of my shoe sole came off while running today. damn. that was a good pair of shoes to do speedwork in :( wondering if i should try to glue it back. my sandals have fallen apart too. despite the glue-job it got a few mths back.

horrible headache omg.

right now i really want to slap myself for being over-ambitious and not being content with myself. ROAR. i must really stop being such an irritating perfectionist... one day i'm just going to lose my mind and develop OCD or something.

07S68 is da bomb.

2007-11-01T22:51:00.000+08:00

Recent days have been much more enjoyable, with me spending most of my time either
a) in school
b) at macritchie
c) at the pool, or
d) at home in my bed reading Jodi Picoult's "nineteen minutes"

the perfect life? :) for now at least. well minus the school part. hahhhaaa.

MACRITCHIE PWNS! seriously. mwahha. having people to run with makes it a lot more fun toooooossss. just hope i don't get sick of it.

CLASS OUTING WAS THE BEST! we went to suntec's "noodle hut" to eat. rushed there after training.. and on my way there i was thinking to myself "omg does this mean that i actually have a social life?!" rotfl. amazing.

was damnnnn fun. our class is full of fun people (: and i think it's so cool how everyone gets along with everyone else so well. picture taking was cool cos yuanfeng had his damn pro camera. we took lots of stupid poses and lishan recommended that we raised our arms to act as if we were stuck to the glass. the 'live' demo that she did totally cracked me up. lishan if you're reading this HAHAHAHA YOU LOOKED SO CUTE :D heheh.

then some people left and the remaining bunch of us walked to cartel in marina sq. (i am so going for a shopping spree there. it looks like shopping heaven) on the way there, i had to constantly endure the teasing of our beloved happiness rep. he told me that my sandals made me look like a GREEK something or other -.-", accused me of being overly competitive with claire in the forest during training (rotfl chonglin and him actually acted out their perceived scenarios of what we would say/do to each other ?! ?! ?!) and told me to add water to the "buffalo" shop in marina square so that it would be mine (i.e. called me a WATER BUFFALO). karma hit him hard in the form of him and songyuan crashing into each others heads... we begged the cartel people (omg cartel suddenly remind med of econs. lol ) for iceee.

was the most fun i've had in forever. laughing non-stop. mwaha. i need more of this sort of activities... had a hard time finding my way home though. parents were KO-ed (knocked out) after some dinner at a damn posh hotel. ahhaha. maomi sounded very amusing when i called her to ask if she cld pick me up. hahaha.

at training this morning i hurt myself while running! some sharp piece of gravel or sth sliced my skin.. repeatedly. think it was stuck to my shoe. strange that when i actually felt sth sharp cutting me during the run i didn't think that it would cause me to bleed... when i got back i got the shock of my life when i saw the blood. ahhaha. anw the cuts look super gross now. deep and bloody! :O

rah. i think too much. starting to feel a bit worried because i think things are going to change quite a bit. just when i'm getting used to the whole scheme of thingsssss. zzzzzzz!

last day of sch

2007-10-26T16:25:00.001+08:00

past few days have been terrible cos for some reason or other i've been feeling so drained. drained to the point where you just want to disappear cos with every breath you take you feel like you're destroying yourself.

muscles are still not recovering. i never used to take this long to recover. my body's become some pile of trash. so much for my marvellous training plan. flushed down the drain when i decided i didn't care anymore. hoping that talking to jiaolian will help... -crosses fingers. can't rmb the last time i felt this unmotivated about training.

been reading "nineteen minutes" by jodi picoult. my first book authored by her. not sure if the reason i've been getting nightmares lately is the book. not so much nightmares as... windows into my subconscious mind. perhaps i've blocking too many of the thoughts out that now it's all coming back to me like a memory long forgotten. really seems that way...

last official day of school today. year 1 school that is. CT session was fun. haha. our class is incredibly funny. going to miss the teachers who won't be moving up with us. not really looking forward to next year. too caught up trying to accept the present at the moment.

ah crap i really feel like crap. i am hoping it's just overtraining symptoms resulting from last wk's crazy trng. i just let myself move back 10steps since i practically ponned all my planned trng sessions this wk. very unlike me. not future to work towards = no motivation.

i should really get started on school work soon. hoping that holidays will help to clear everything up :(

2007-10-24T16:54:00.000+08:00

there are some days i feel like i absolutely detest myself.

today is one of them.

then i go all out to make myself feel worse by stuffing my face with all sorts of junk. boy do i feel worse now.

it's too late. i'm not cut out for this anymore. too many things have changed.

now i'm just lost. i'm not that person i used to be anymore. i can't handle early morning runs or self-training. it's too draining. i hate the new pool cos it's so small and in any case i hardly get the chance to go down there since sch trainings are occupying tuesdays and thursdays now.

this is just so wrong. my body's not conditioned for this. only God knows how long it'll take to get it back. by then it'll be too late for any of the cross competitons. you don't get a body you worked 2 and a half years to condition back in a matter of months i'm sure.

i hate running i hate running i hate running i hate running I HATE RUNNING.

enough running.i want my swims and bike sessions back. then again i think i just want to get my old body back and then laze around and do nothing. training is stupid. i'm eventually going to have to stop for exams anyway. why the hell should i even bother to build something that's going to be crushed anyway.

IT'S TOO LATE :( hate hate hate hate running.

the future is a blur. with no light at the end of the tunnel. stupid stupid stupid i have no future.

never to be seen again

2007-10-21T22:40:00.000+08:00

no kind soul has returned my (priceless) helmet so i guess it's never coming back. in some weird way i think it's the heavens trying to teach me something- learning to let go. i've long known that i have a very big problem of not being able to let go of things/ people/ habits etc. i was very lucky to have been returned my phone and wallet TWICE. (i know i'm an idiot for losing them twice. well phone the first time and both the next)

sigh. i wish there was another way of preserving memories other than relying on just my dumb lousy brain. perhaps one day someone will be able to discover a way for us to RELIVE our memories. see, touch, hear, feel, smell..

perhaps it's psychological but a lot of the things that occur or things that i notice are occuring are somehow linked to memories of you. memories that send a shock through my body and paralyse me in pain, fear and regret for what seems like forever.

finally pinpointed the cause of my red light district forehead. STUPID SHAMPOO. after isolating the allergens, finally found that it was the shampoo. no thanks to that i have come up with a fresh crop of red lights. i super need a short circuit.

was super cold this morning. headwind was super strong. but our 4 member strong peleton (if u can even call it one lol) braved the wind. new atmosphere, new people, new dynamics. raph's fake hongkie accent never fails to amuse, while mansheng's smart retorts to raph's insults leaves me in stitches. time has passed, but STILL- we are always trying to drop J. rotfl. you always loved to do that.. and laugh as we successfully worked together to do so. it's kinda mean actually. but you won't really understand unless you're right there riding with us... how people somehow manage to whisper the message, "eh we drop J after this". and as everyone surges ahead you hear shouts of "LET'S GO! LET'S GO!" pressuring you to stick to the wheel in front and peddle as hard as you possibly can. there's this surge of adrenaline when you try to take off like that.. indescribable. haha all these experiences and emotions at the expense of J :P thanks J! for being the sacrificial lamb.

hanging around 2 pseudo gays really pollutes your mind. a snippet of post-training conversation btwn the 2 pseudo gays- raph and mansheng:

mansheng: eh raph stick your hand in here (points to his behind)
raph: what?!
mansheng: you gotta do it now, to release the lactic acid!
raph: don't want. ask pat to do it.

imagine if these 2 got together with the 3 marists in class... ROTFL.